The Crooked Corn Gazette
February 10, 2025
By Delbert Orville Hickenlooper
Published by The Crooked Corn Gazette
Cobb Hollow, Missouri
In what can only be described as a bold, visionary—or entirely baffling—move, the Trump administration has announced the creation of the Social Security and Explosives Administration (SSEA), an ambitious merger of the Social Security Administration (SSA) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF). The new agency’s mission? “Ensuring stable retirement plans while regulating the responsible use of high-powered munitions.”
At a press conference that featured patriotic bunting, inexplicable fog machines, and a senior choir singing “Born to Be Wild,” Acting Director Floyd Beauregard Slinkman declared, “We’re entering a new era where financial security and personal security go hand in hand—literally, if you’re holding a semi-automatic rifle.”
“We’re one clerical error away from someone receiving a rocket-propelled grenade instead of a disability check.”
– Gwendolyn Hortense Ficklenoodle
According to the official statement, SSEA’s primary objectives include streamlining pension disbursement processes, modernizing explosives regulations, and, somewhat inexplicably, offering optional grenade-handling workshops for retirees seeking “dynamic post-career hobbies.”
Dr. Cornelius Festus Wobblethorpe, an expert in Fiscal Defense Dynamics at the Dakota Plains School of Advanced Governance, praised the initiative, saying, “This is a groundbreaking approach to public administration. Why should our seniors have to choose between a dependable income and access to responsibly regulated explosives? Now they can have both, with one convenient federal agency.”
However, not everyone is lighting celebratory sparklers. Dr. Gwendolyn Hortense Ficklenoodle, Professor of Explosive Sociology at the Midwest Polytechnic of Strategic Concerns, criticized the merger, warning, “Combining social welfare with high-grade munitions oversight is a logistical catastrophe waiting to happen. We’re one clerical error away from someone receiving a rocket-propelled grenade instead of a disability check.” She further questioned the wisdom of SSEA’s proposed “Pension Protection Packs”—a retirement benefits package rumored to include body armor and complimentary smoke grenades.
Local residents in Cobb Hollow expressed mixed feelings. Earl Winfred Dabble, 68, a retired ferret wrangler, is optimistic. “I’ve been saying for years that Social Security needed more fireworks. If this means I get my check on time and maybe a little C-4 for emergencies, I’m all for it.” Conversely, Velma Josephine Crankshaft, 72, expressed concerns. “They said they might replace the AARP card with an ammunition discount card. I just wanted cheaper prescriptions, not a bulk discount on dynamite.”
As details of SSEA’s programs remain as clear as mud, officials have suggested that concerned citizens seek additional clarification from The Nebraska Journal of Competitive Knitting or subscribe to The Greater Des Moines Parakeet Quarterly for updates.
Media contact:
Tobias Mortimer Picklefoot
Director of External Vagueness
Email: tpicklefoot@SSEA.gov (currently inactive)
Phone: (555) 413-0002 (disconnected)
Delbert Orville Hickenlooper has been reporting on government policy and bizarre administrative decisions since 1983. His critically misunderstood articles include The Great Trampoline Shortage of ’92, Why Do Goats Vote? and Municipal Fountains: Are They Watching Us?
