The Spudville Sentinel
February 11, 2025
By Elmer Toadflap
Published by The Spudville Sentinel
Spudville, Nebraska
In a move that has left both postal workers and environmentalists equally confused, the Trump administration announced the creation of the Department of Postal Security and Environmental Surveillance (DPSES). This revolutionary agency will merge the critical yet questionably connected functions of the United States Postal Service and the Environmental Protection Agency, ensuring your mail is safe and your forests feel seen.
Standing proudly at a podium made entirely of recycled cardboard and undelivered letters, Acting Deputy Secretary of Unspecified Affairs, Hortense Clabberbucket, declared, “For too long, America has ignored the obvious link between stamp distribution and ecosystem monitoring. The DPSES will bridge this gap, one poorly sealed envelope at a time.”
“While I appreciate the innovative spirit, merging postal security with environmental surveillance feels like trying to train a pigeon to do your taxes.”
– Dorcas Hinkleblat
Dr. Lemuel Puddlefry, Professor of Eco-Logistical Synergy at the Eastern Montana Institute of Advanced Guesswork, stated, “The DPSES could revolutionize how we think about mail and trees. I mean, both involve paper, right? It’s almost too logical, which is why it took this long to happen.”
Offering a contrasting viewpoint, Dr. Dorcas Hinkleblat, Senior Fellow in Postal Philosophy at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople, expressed skepticism: “While I appreciate the innovative spirit, merging postal security with environmental surveillance feels like trying to train a pigeon to do your taxes. Technically possible, but why?”
The announcement has stirred passionate reactions from citizens across Spudville. Local resident Buford Crankwhistle, whose hobbies include competitive stamp licking, passionately exclaimed, “I sleep better knowing my mail is safe from environmental threats. You never know when a rogue squirrel might tamper with your electric bill.”
Meanwhile, environmental activist Tallulah Snagglepot shared her concerns: “I’m not convinced that the same people who lose my packages should be in charge of monitoring endangered wetlands. Last week, they misplaced a letter—what if next week it’s a glacier?”
The DPSES will reportedly operate out of a repurposed warehouse conveniently located between a landfill and an abandoned post office. Its mission statement, while still under construction, is rumored to focus on “delivering security with a side of sustainability,” though no one has confirmed exactly what that means.
For further information, concerned citizens are encouraged to contact The Weekly Turnip Digest or Pigeon Racing Monthly for updates that may or may not clarify the situation.
Media Contact:
Zebulon Quackenbush
Chief Coordinator of Ambiguous Communications
Email: probablyworkingemail@dpessortof.gov
Phone: (555) 867-5309 (operators standing by, allegedly)
Elmer Toadflap is a celebrated journalist known for groundbreaking exposés such as The Mystery of the Missing Mashed Potatoes, Why Do Clouds Look So Judgy? and Banana Peels: Slippery Menace or Misunderstood Hero.
