The Frog Knuckle Post
February 8, 2025
By Mortimer C. Higglebottom
Published by The Frog Knuckle Post
Frog Knuckle, Missouri
In what officials are calling a “historic initiative with boundless potential,” the Trump administration has unveiled the Department of Cosmic Veteran Affairs (DCVA), a strategic partnership between National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) and the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA). The department, according to the official statement, will “harness the unlimited power of space to revolutionize veteran care through interstellar synergy.”
Dr. Clarence Fiddlewaite, Professor of Astrobiological Sociology at the Central Plains Institute of Advanced Theoretical Sciences, hailed the move as “a bold step forward.” He explained, “By integrating zero-gravity wellness practices with lunar-based therapeutic retreats, we can finally ask: what if the key to healing PTSD is simply a lack of gravity? We don’t know, but that’s what makes this so exciting.”
Despite the glowing praise from government insiders, others are less convinced. Beulah Crankensnort, a retired dairy farmer and mother of four, expressed her concerns. “So, let me get this straight. They’re sending veterans into space? My husband, Jeb, gets dizzy just standing up too fast. How’s he supposed to float around on Mars without passing out?”
Program details remain vague, but early reports indicate DCVA’s flagship initiative will include “Space Therapy Pods” where veterans can experience “a fully immersive cosmic recalibration.” This is expected to take place aboard a repurposed International Space Station module, rebranded as the Healing Nebula Hub.
Professor Elbert Dundersnack, Chair of Aeronautical Therapy at Greater Midwestern Polytechnic, remains skeptical. “Look, I love space. Who doesn’t? But what we’re really talking about here is launching combat veterans into orbit to see if microgravity fixes their knees. I’m not saying it won’t work, I’m just saying… is this the best we’ve got?”
Public reaction continues to be mixed. Mervin Puddlenock, a self-described patriot and bowling league champion, was cautiously optimistic. “I don’t understand what they’re doing, but if it helps veterans, then I support it. That being said, I do have some logistical concerns—like what happens if they drift too far and just keep floating? Do they have jetpacks? Someone should ask about jetpacks.”
For further details, readers are encouraged to consult The Turnip Tribune or The Midwest Journal of Inexplicable Policy Decisions, where additional information may or may not be available.
Media Contact:
Eudora Flimpsnatch
Deputy Assistant Director of Orbital Wellness
Email: eudora@cosmicvetbiz.nogov
Phone: (555) 867-530VOID
Mortimer C. Higglebottom is an award-winning journalist known for The Great Cornbread Heist of 1998, My Neighbor’s Cat and the Government Conspiracy No One Talks About, and Why Are There So Many Spoons in My Backyard?”
