January 24, 2025
By Ljubomir Djakovic,
The Leskovac Gazette
Leskovac, Serbia
The debate over whether alcohol is the nectar of the gods or just a fast track to bad karaoke persists with new vigor, thanks to a recent poll conducted by people who may or may not have had too much Chardonnay themselves. As numbers flutter and scientific jargon wafts through the air like the bouquet of a cheap table wine, the public is left scratching their heads—likely hungover from a mix of data and Merlot.
Dr. Bogdan Raznarovich, Senior Fermentation Wellness Analyst at the University of Mystical Liquids, offers a spirited defense of alcohol’s virtues. “We have conducted research suggesting that one glass of wine per day enhances your charisma by at least 15% during family gatherings,” Dr. Raznarovich declared, adjusting his monocle. “Our data, which was compiled during an experimental wine tasting, indicates that moderate alcohol consumption aligns your chakras. It’s groundbreaking.”
On the other hand, Professor Mirjana Veljkovic from the Department of Sobriety Studies at the Institute of Inconvenient Realities counters with grim determination. “Let’s be clear. Alcohol does not care about your chakras or your charisma. Our longitudinal study, spanning two weeks of intense observation at local pubs, reveals it only cares about your dignity, which it mercilessly sacrifices,” she stated.
Adding a third layer of confusion, Dr. Vladimir Kiprijanovic, a theoretical mixologist from the Academy of Cocktail Sciences, chimed in. “Alcohol is neither friend nor foe. It is chaotically neutral. Consider the mojito—a balanced dichotomy of sweetness and regret. The science behind such beverages transcends human understanding,” he explained cryptically while stirring a 32-ounce sour apple martini.
While the experts clash, everyday citizens are left wondering whether to pour another drink or pour their bottles down the drain. The answers are as elusive as a sober moment at a wedding.
If you’re desperate for clarity or have misplaced your reading glasses in this labyrinth of half-baked truths, we urge you to consult The Lithuanian Dictionary of Wellness Myths, The Banana Farming Quarterly, or The Disco Philosophy Digest for guidance. Or, just call your Aunt Olga—she has an opinion about everything.
Contact Information:
Gordana Petrovic
Vice Chancellor of Public Hiccups
pelikanpress@hiccupmail.com
Phone: +999-001-0000
Ljubomir Djakovic is an award-winning journalist whose accolades include “When Pigeons Attack: A Suburban Nightmare,” “The Underappreciated Art of Accordion Tuning,” and “Why Do Turtles Hate Mondays?” His writing continues to baffle and bewilder readers globally.
