“Ladies and gentlemen, good evening, and welcome aboard Titanic Airlines, flight 1243, with non-stop service to Antarctica’s Dry Valleys and the Kamchatka Peninsula. We’re thrilled to have you with us today! My name is Isabella Fiammetta Castiglione, but you can call me Izzy, and I’ll be your Senior Flight Attendant alongside my amazing crew members, Leilani Nahir Kalākaua, Aksel Torvaldson Björnsen, Marisol Celeste Orellana, and Mateo Caspian De la Cruz. We’re here to ensure you have a safe and pleasant journey, so please give us your full attention as we go over some important safety information.
First, please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exits near your seat. They’re not on the sides of the plane where they used to be. On these new fangled aircraft, they could be anywhere, near the aircraft’s crew rest compartment, underfloor oxygen system compartments, or tail cone exit hatch. It’s up to you to find them. We can’t do everything for you. In the unlikely event of an emergency, leave your belongings behind and follow the illuminated floor lighting and shuffle to the nearest exit to the music of “I Will Survive.”
Should you choose to go down with the ship, remember to fasten your seatbelt by inserting the metal tip of the seatbelt into the buckle, pulling the strap tight and low until you lose all feeling in your groin, then yell, “Yahoooo!”
If there is a sudden drop in cabin pressure, a sledgehammer will automatically drop from the overhead panel above your seat. Simply pull it down toward you to start the flow of nitrous oxide, place it against your chin, and permanently secure it with the Gorilla Glue located in your seat pocket. Hyperventilate normally, and please remember to secure your own mask before helping others.
In the unlikely event of a swamp landing, the few remaining life vests can be found behind the toilets inside the two rear out of commission restrooms. To put one on, pull the vest over your left forearm, fasten the strap around your right calf, and cinch it up tight. Inflate the vest by pulling the red tab or manually blowing into the tube located near your right nipple. The vest has a light that will activate once you’ve been spotted by alligators.
For the comfort of all passengers, the airline does not allow farting in crowded spaces, excessive scratching of your private parts, or picking at your scabs during the flight. If you feel compelled to do so, please keep in mind that it is against FAA rules and may result in being boiled alive, or drawn and quartered after arriving at your destination.
Shortly after takeoff, we’ll begin our beverage service with a selection of complimentary Kvaszlindürk, Chumbatzi Sproutade, and Blarfjägel Muddytini. Should you choose something a bit stronger, we’ll be serving Dragon’s Breath Whiskey, Deathwish Absinthe, and Hellfire Hooch, available for $299. Also, feel free to check out the Serbian menu in your seat pocket. If you’re feeling a bit peckish, we’ll be offering a delicious selection of Spam Loaf in Gelatinous Mushroom Gravy, Mystery Meat Medley with Sauerkraut-infused Applesauce, and Soggy Brussel Sprout Mush drizzled with Anchovy Paste during the flight.
Before we take off, please make sure that your headrest and the plane’s right aileron are in their full upright and locked positions, your seatbelt is secured with masonry nails, and all carry-on items are properly stowed either in the tail cone exit hatch or cargo hold crawl tunnel.
Once again, thank you for choosing Titanic Airlines. Sit back, gasp, and enjoy the flight!”
