I first dipped my toes into the unseemly world of online dating back in 2011, with my true story, “Expelled from Match.com.” I was blown away by how many prospective “matches” inflated their dating profiles to land a first date. In the introduction, I wrote,
Last year I enrolled at Match.com using the pen name of “MrMarvelous” just to see if there was anyone out there as desperate as I was to meet their perfect mate. After blowing off an entire day’s work perusing the women within 100 miles of my zip code, seven major metropolises, and all of the neighborhoods I’ve ever lived in, it became readily apparent that of the 40 million single men and women who subscribe to online dating services, most are looking for the same thing – and their profiles reflect it. So, to leverage myself against my male competitors and attract more than my fair share of the lovelier sex, I decided to create the following original member profile to flaunt my rapier wit. After all, isn’t that what women want: a man with a sense of humor?
It was a labor of love, taking several months, ruminating over every word until I achieved success. In fact, “Expelled from Match.com” was so popular that it ended up spawning my second book, “Watching Grandma Circle the Drain.” Fast forward to today, and I’m back at it again with this new piece, “Romance, Red Flags, and Ridiculousness – Match.com’s Most Outrageous Profiles.” But, this time, thanks to the magic of ChatGPT, it took me less than a day. I also decided to write it with a slightly different slant: a good-for-nothing malcontent who’s trying NOT to score a date on Match.com.
The beauty of this prompt-driven drivel is its versatility. You can process it 100 times, and get 100 slightly different versions of the same basic premise, each with its own unique twist. Perfect for submitting the same story to multiple publications without the risk of plagiarism! So, buckle up. Here is “Romance, Red Flags, and Ridiculousness – Match.com’s Most Outrageous Profiles.”
Dating Profile Headline:
“Rare Disease Aficionado Looking for the Next Victim of My Debilitating Low Self-esteem”
Hi. My name is Vaidotas. Well, since you went to the trouble of reaching out to me, I guess I should feel obligated to tell you a little about myself and, heaven forbid, reluctantly meet. Although, I’m sure that won’t happen. So, here we go.
All About Me, Me, Me
I’m a passionate traveler who’s visited 3.25 countries. My weekends are usually filled with extreme hobbies like sewer
diving and insect tasting. You know, the kind of life-threatening activities that keep things interesting. When I’m not out risking my life, I’m experimenting with recipes from Lesotho. Ever tried snail stew? Or playing in back-alley poker games, where the stakes are lower than the company.
I’m looking for someone who shares my enthusiasm for exploring the Cueva de Los Tayos in Ecuador. If you’re into spelunking in dark, dangerous caves filled with God knows what, then you might just be the one for me. But let’s not get carried away. I also need someone who enjoys the more refined things in life, like watching paint dry, knitting scarves that no one will ever wear, and cataloging my vast collection of cereal boxes.
Now, let’s get to the good stuff. I’ve been arrested three times. Nothing too serious, just a little misunderstanding with the law involving some public nuisance charges. I’ve also had the unfortunate pleasure of contracting Chagas disease (also known as American trypanosomiasis), which, if you’re not familiar with it, makes me stand out in a crowd. My key traits? I’m as predictable as the sun rising, as cautious as a mouse, and as conservative as your grandma’s casseroles. If you’re looking for excitement, you’ve got the wrong guy. But if you want someone who can be as dull as watching grass grow, I’m your man.
My Interests and Hobbies, Not Yours
Bog snorkeling and collecting used toilet seats are my passions. It’s not just about the thrill of the hunt. It’s about the stories those old, cracked seats could tell. When I’m not out dumpster diving for dinner, I’m perfecting the art of phlegm spitting and navel lint sculpting. Some call them gross. I call them cultured.
Instigating altercations with strangers is a daily ritual for me. I also enjoy spreading gossip about people I barely know and crashing the weddings of complete strangers. Nothing spices up a weekend like a little chaos. If you’re into aggressive street preaching and deliberately cutting in line just to annoy others, we might have some shared interests.
Searching for Someone Who Hates to Laugh
I’m looking for a woman who hates to laugh, loathes outdoor activities, and detests fresh air. If you’re curious about the seamy underbelly of the taxidermy industry and relish all-night retreats into the bathroom, then you’ve piqued my interest. But let’s be clear. I’m not looking for anyone passionate about anything. Passion is overrated, and so is enthusiasm. I value seriousness, solemnity, and a good dose of pessimism in a partner. If you’re into temporary, short-term, and fleeting relationships that make you question your life choices, let’s talk.
Profile Pictures You Won’t Believe
This first picture is a shot of me scowling in my dingy basement, poorly lit, of course. And this one is a blurry, pixelated selfie taken at 3 AM in a dark restroom of an overcrowded nightclub. For variety, I also have this: a close-up of my frown, half-obscured by shadows, in the middle of a cluttered garage. It’s not about looking good—it’s about keeping expectations low.
And, in these photos, I’m…
- Sitting motionless in a doctor’s waiting room, because nothing says “fun” like a case of bleeding hemorrhoids.
- Staring blankly at a wall from various uninspiring angles, showing off my best feature: my indifference.
- Pretending to read a book upside down in a windowless room, showcasing my intellectual prowess.
These photos capture the essence of my thrilling existence.
My Unique Style of Communication
If you can manage to keep up with someone as superior as me, then maybe—just maybe—I’ll allow you to message me. I’m not really interested in your boring life, so don’t even go there. But if you think you’re worthy of basking in my greatness, go ahead and try. Don’t expect me to be impressed. I’m clearly out of your league, but hey, miracles happen. Go ahead and message me if you’re into chasing the impossible dream.
I’m on this site every day (or at least until the police find me), so feel free to drop me a line. My handle is PlaguedAndConfused. Because, let’s be honest, I’m a walking contradiction—cold as ice but somehow still hot enough to keep you interested. Maybe. If you’re lucky.
