Abraham Lincoln wrote and delivered the Gettysburg Address on November 19, 1863, at the dedication of the Soldiers’ National Cemetery in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania during the American Civil War. The speech was intended to honor the soldiers who had died in the Battle of Gettysburg and to reaffirm the principles of liberty and equality that the United States was founded upon. Lincoln is known to have drafted the speech himself. And therein lay the problems.
Lincoln’s Original Gettysburg Address
“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
The initial reception of his Address was mixed. At the time, the brevity of the address—about two minutes long—surprised many who were accustomed to longer orations. Some newspapers and public figures praised the speech for its eloquence and profound meaning, recognizing its powerful message in just 272 words. The Chicago Tribune lauded Lincoln’s address, calling it “deep in feeling, compact in thought and expression, and tasteful and elegant in every word and comma.”
But, not everyone recognized the impact of Lincoln’s words. The Democratic-leaning Chicago Times criticized the speech as “silly, flat, and dishwatery,” reflecting the partisan divides of the time. Even Lincoln himself had concerns about how his speech was received, thinking he had missed the mark.
So, the President decided to take action by preparing for a “do-over.” But not before he got professional help. Lincoln’s most trusted advisor and friend, William H. Seward, suggested that he might try adding an image consultant to his staff to provide the President with help on body language, communication skills, as well as a few non-invasive Botox treatments to enhance his facial appearance.
Next, he hired a hair and beard colorist, a skincare specialist, and a professional makeup artist famous for working with celebrities like John Wilkes Booth and Lydia Thompson. He also consulted with a wardrobe designer, to help curate a look that would reflect a more personal style while ensuring versatility and cohesion.
But, most important, Lincoln finally caved in and hired a professional speech writer to help him put more “pizazz” into his Address. Someone who could infuse clichés, idioms, street slang, neologisms, irony, or even a few tried and true puns into his newly revamped Gettysburg Address without losing the message.
Here are the results:
The Gettysburg Address Using Clichés
Ladies and gentlemen, let me cut to the chase. A long time ago—well, four score and seven years to be exact—our forefathers rolled up their sleeves and got down to brass tacks. They set up shop on this very continent, giving birth to a brand-spanking-new nation. The cornerstone? Freedom, with a CAPITAL F. And they hammered home the idea that, in the grand scheme of things, all men are created equal—no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Fast forward to today, and we’re knee-deep in a knock-down, drag-out civil war. This isn’t just any old scuffle; it’s a litmus test, plain and simple. The question is: Can a nation, stitched together with the threads of liberty and equality, stand the test of time? We find ourselves gathered on this battlefield, smack dab in the thick of it, to pay our respects. We’re here to tip our hats to the fallen, who cashed in their chips so this nation could keep on truckin’.
The Gettysburg Address Using Idioms
“Back in the day, our fathers decided to take the bull by the horns and brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the idea that all men are cut from the same cloth. Now, we’re knee-deep in a big mess, testing whether that nation, or any nation built on the same foundation, can weather the storm. We’ve gathered here on a battlefield of that war, coming together to carve out a piece of this land as the final resting place for those who kicked the bucket so that this nation might keep its head above water.
It’s only right that we do this. But, to tell you the truth, we can’t hold a candle to what’s already been done—we can’t make this ground sacred—the brave men, both the quick and the dead, have already done that. The world might turn a blind eye to what we say here, but it won’t forget what they did. It’s up to us, the ones still alive and kicking, to roll up our sleeves and get down to work on what’s left unfinished—so that these fallen folks didn’t cash in their chips for nothing—that this nation, under God, might get a new lease on life—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, will stick around for the long haul.”
The Gettysburg Address Using Street Slang
“Yo, like, way back eighty-seven years ago, our OGs dropped the mic with this sick new nation, all about freedom and equal vibes for everyone. Now, we’re smack in the middle of this crazy civil war, testing if this nation—or any other like it—can really keep it together. We’re posted up here on this epic battlefield, to give a big shoutout to the homies who went all-in so this nation could keep on rockin’.
It’s straight-up legit that we’re doin’ this. But, no cap, we can’t really christen this spot ‘cause the brave dudes—both still kickin’ and those who’ve bailed—already made it sacred AF. The world might not give a hoot about what we say here, but it’s never gonna forget what they did. It’s on us, the crew that’s still here, to step up and finish what they kicked off—to keep their grind alive, so their sacrifice doesn’t go down the drain.
We gotta make sure that this nation, under the Big Man Upstairs, keeps the freedom vibes goin’ strong—and that the government of the people, by the people, for the people, sticks around for the long haul.”
The Gettysburg Address Using Irony
“Four score and seven years ago, when everything was just peachy keen, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, despite all their obvious inequalities. Now, here we are, engaged in a civil war, because that nation—or any nation so conceived and so dedicated—just couldn’t seem to get it together.
We’re gathered here on a battlefield, because nothing says “unity” like a bloody war, to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those who apparently had nothing better to do than die for this ideal. It’s absolutely fitting and proper that we do this, because what could be more important than honoring those who have fallen so that others can continue fighting? But, in the grand scheme of things, we really can’t dedicate—we can’t consecrate—we can’t hallow—this ground any more than it’s already been done by the bloodshed.
The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have already taken care of that, far beyond what our little speeches like this can add or detract. The world probably won’t care too much about what we say here today, but it’s bound to remember the carnage that took place. It’s up to us, the living, to pick up the pieces and finish the messy business that they left behind. That from these honored dead we take up the challenge they started and hope it turns out better than it has so far. That we here resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, even though it often seems like they did. That this nation, under God, shall have another chance to get their act together, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not disappear, though it sometimes feels like it’s already on its way out.”
Ultimately, Lincoln ended up delivering a hybrid version of the new Gettysburg Address, using all of the suggested tropes. Here’s how it came out:
The Final Gettysburg Address
Ladies and gents, let me break it down for ya—Four score and seven years ago—which is fancy talk for 87 years back—our forefathers rolled up their sleeves and launched this sweet gig of a nation, founded on liberty and the radical idea that every dude’s got the same shot in life.
Now here we are, knee-deep in one helluva civil war, the kind that puts this grand experiment to the ultimate test. We’re gathered on this gnarly battlefield, where the blood, sweat, and tears of brave souls turned the soil red. We’re here to give a shoutout and a tip of the hat to the brothers who cashed in their chips so this nation could keep on truckin’. It’s only right and proper that we do this.
But, real talk? We can’t really put a brighter shine on this place—it’s already holy ground. The gutsy dudes, both the ones still breathin’ and those who are pushin’ up daisies, have already done the heavy liftin’. Anything we say here is small potatoes compared to what they pulled off. The world might forget our jibber-jabber, but it sure as heck will remember their hustle.
So, what’s the takeaway for us still kickin’? We gotta double down on the grind these heroes started. We’re on the hook to finish what they began, so their sacrifice wasn’t just another day at the office. We gotta make sure that this nation, with the big guy upstairs watchin’, gets a reboot on freedom. And that the government—by the people, for the people, and of the people—stays in the game and doesn’t take a permanent dirt nap.
Amen, and let’s keep this party goin!’
Over time, the Gettysburg Address came to be recognized as a masterpiece of American rhetoric. Its emphasis on equality, freedom, and the enduring nature of the nation became central to how Americans understand their country’s ideals. Today, it is regarded as one of the greatest speeches in American history, embodying the spirit of the nation’s democratic principles and the sacrifices made to preserve them.
