Ah, life…that grand old waltz we all stumble through with the grace of an elephant on roller skates. It’s a constant uphill battle. Everyone’s trying to grab their piece of the pie while spouting off inspirational quotes as if they’re some sort of magical cure-all for the drudgery of existence.
Well, let me tell you something, bucko: life is about as easy as herding cats in a fish market. That’s right. And the sooner you learn that the grindstone doesn’t play favorites, the sooner you’ll get a taste of life’s bitter fruit.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not here to rain on your parade. I’ve just been around the block a few times, and after thirty years in this racket, I’ve heard enough fairytales. Those shiny, saccharine anecdotes do-gooders are so fond of like:
- After every storm comes a rainbow
- Laughing is nature’s stress reliever
- Say something nice, and you’ll feel something nice
- Inhale calm, exhale stress
- Somewhere, someone is dreaming of your smile
- Think of yourself as a sunflower, always facing the light
- Your life is a story, and the best chapters are yet to come
But honestly, when the chips are down, they’re about as useful as an inflatable dartboard.
So sit back, relax, and let ol’ Coach Tony give you a masterclass in how to play the game. We’ll start off by analyzing some of the best aphorisms I’ve heard over the course of my thirty-year career. And why I never follow them. Here we go.
Never shake a man’s hand sitting down. Seriously, how dare you? Sit in your comfy chair while extending your hand. The audacity! Or, you know, just continue sitting. Whatever. We’re all headed to the same place anyway – six feet under.
In a negotiation, never make the first offer. Ah yes, because there’s nothing better than a stalemate of silence. Playing the mystery card, are we? Just remember, life is short, so you might as well get to the point and stop dilly-dallying.
When entrusted with a secret, keep it. Either that or just launch it into the rumor mill. See how long it takes to come back to you. After all, who doesn’t love a good scandal?
Play with passion or don’t play at all. Whoa, that’s some intense emotion. But who needs passion when you’ve got a comfy sofa, a Netflix movie, and a six-pack in the cooler?
When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye. Try giving them a dead fish handshake or a distant nod with your chin. It’s a great way to keep people on their toes.
Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be. Or you could, you know, just wish harder. After all, they say when you wish upon a star, you’re still a few million light-years from your answered prayers. Let’s face it. Your star is dead. Just like your dreams.
If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point. That’s right because there’s nothing better than the sound of screaming children and barking dogs to get you into that beachy mood.
You marry the girl, you marry her family. If you get married, it means you get two sets of holiday arguments for the price of one. Two opportunities to screw up and say something you’ll regret for the rest of your life.
Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath. Or, just be like a log. Do nothing. Float on your back with a beer. Isn’t that what we’re all doing anyway, just floating through life?
Experience the serenity of traveling alone. I mean, there’s nothing like the joy of getting lost in a foreign country with no one to blame but yourself and those crappy directions from Siri.
Never be afraid to ask out the best-looking girl in the room. After all, rejection is just another useful life experience. It builds character. Or so my psychiatrist assures me.
Never turn down a breath mint. Who came up with that one? Instead, say, “Why bother with a breath mint when you haven’t bothered to take a shower in over a week?”
Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him. Just tell them, “Thanks for whatever the hell you did over there. What do you want? A medal?
Eat lunch with the new kid. Why bother eating with the new kid? They’ll just pee in their pants, move on, and forget about this place anyway.”
After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it. Or, why not just send the Scud Missile into the abyss of your co-workers and start a good old-fashioned crisis?
Give credit. Take the blame. Oh, so now we’re playing the noble card? Fine. Everyone else can take the applause while I’m left cleaning up their mess. As usual.
Stand up to bullies. Protect those who are bullied. Oh, the age-old advice. But let’s be real, sometimes it feels like standing up just draws a bigger target on your back. Don’t forget to duck!
Write down your dreams. Sure, let’s write down those unrealistic nightmares and call them ambition. They’re just fleeting fantasies that will never come true anyway.
Be confident and humble at the same time. Right, so basically act all high and mighty while hopelessly receding into your shell. Then take a handful of Xanax and go to bed. Makes sense to me.
In all things, lead by example not explanation. Lead without explanation? Perfect for those who love marching blindly into life without having a clue of where they’re going, or even where they’ve already been. Priceless!
In conclusion, after all is said and done, we’ve danced this dance before, spoken the words, and gone through the motions. All for naught. So really, what’s the point? We chase dreams that vanish like smoke, seek meaning in a whirlpool of chaos, and reach for success like catching air with our bare hands.
I want to thank everyone for taking part in my lecture this afternoon. I hope you managed to scrape something out of it that you can use. Or not. Who cares, anyway?
