“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off” — Gloria Steinem
The entertainment industry was rocked this week when Rocky the Flying Squirrel was arrested and put on trial for distributing “questionable” tabs of LSD at the infamous Woodstock Music Festival from August 15–18, 1969. Even though it’s been 54 years since the alleged incident, many baby boomer concert-goers are still angry about how they became violently ill, incapacitated, and transported to another universe after swallowing one of those strange brown tabs from that strange brown squirrel.
Rocky attended the Woodstock festival with his Looney Tunes friends, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Foghorn Leghorn, Porky Pig, Speedy Gonzalez, Sylvester the Cat, Tweety Bird, the Road Runner, and Yosemite Sam. However, ironically Rocky was the only one charged.
The proceedings began with the judge calling the court to order, followed by the court clerk reading the charges brought against the defendant in Rocky the Flying Squirrel vs The State of New York.
Judge: Order in the court! The trial of Rocky the Flying Squirrel vs The State of New York is now in session. Let the record show that the defendant is present. Madam Court Clerk, please proceed with the reading of the charges.
Court Clerk: Thank you, Your Honor. Let the record show that the defendant, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, stands accused of selling and distributing “questionable” brown tabs of LSD at The Woodstock Music and Art Fair in Bethel, New York, from August 15–18, 1969. Hippies… I mean young people… who bought and swallowed Mr. Flying Squirrel’s LSD reported the following symptoms:
They reported their minds produced geometric patterns, color distortions, and enhanced colors. They reported seeing objects like floors and walls morphing and breathing.
They reported a sense of timelessness or a feeling of being disconnected from Earth, but an enhanced well-being with the planet Zoltar.
They reported a loss of their sense of self, commonly referred to as ego dissolution. They experienced a merging with their surroundings, other people, and even the universe.
They reported experiencing rapidly morphing, synesthetic experiences, where the senses became blended. Individuals often perceived sounds as colors or taste sensations as visual patterns.
They reported intensified emotions, bringing about a wide range of feelings, including joy, euphoria, anxiety, and even sexual orgasms.
They reported experiencing distorted perceptions of their body, space, and reality. Feeling larger or smaller than they actually were or experienced a sense of melting into their universe.
These actions have potentially violated several laws, including public endangerment and illicit drug distribution. We just don’t know how many yet.
L-L-Look, I-I-I was just there to have a g-g-good time, man. I-I-I don’t p-p-pay attention to that kind of stuff. I-I’m all about spreading g-g-good vibes, not getting mixed up in bad juju.
Judge: Thank you, Madam Clerk. Mister District Attorney, you may call your first witness.
District Attorney (DA): I call Mister Porky Pig to the stand.
DA: “Do you swear that the testimony you are about to give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Porky Pig: I D-Do-do
DA: Mister Pig, please state your full name for the court.
Porky Pig: D-Do-do-do-do… Porky Pig..
DA: Thank you, Mister Pig. Now, what is your occupation and where do you live?
Porky Pig: Uh-uh-uh, I-I-I’m a p-p-professional voice actor, and I-I-I live in H-H-Hamletville, I-I-Iowa.
DA: Mister Pig, were you present at the Woodstock Music Festival from August 15–18, 1969?
Porky Pig: Y-Y-Yes, I-I-I was th-th-there.
DA: And did you witness Rocky the Flying Squirrel distributing illegal substances or contraband during the festival?
Porky Pig: W-W-Well, I-I… I did s-see R-R-Rocky walking around with s-s-some small p-p-packets, but I-I-I didn’t know what was in them.
DA: Oh, come now, Mister Pig. Are you telling this court that you have no knowledge whatsoever of Mister Flying Squirrel’s alleged drug dealings? Are you sure about that, Mister Pig? It seems odd that you were so close and yet claim not to have any knowledge of the contents of those packets.
Porky Pig: Th-Th-That’s right. Th-Th-That’s the way it was.
DA: Your honor, permission to treat Mister Pig as a hostile witness.
Judge: Permission granted.
[The DA then leaps over his desk, grabs Porky Pig by the lapels, slaps him back and forth across his face, and begins violently shaking him.]
Porky Pig: Awright. Awright. I mean, I-I-I was just hanging around, y-y-you know, enjoying the festival. I-I-I can’t s-s-say for sure what R-R-Rocky was up to.
DA: So you admit that you were present at the festival where the alleged drug sales occurred. Can you testify to any suspicious behavior or interactions specifically involving Mister Flying Squirrel?
Porky Pig: L-L-Look, I-I-I was just there to have a g-g-good time, man. I-I-I don’t p-p-pay attention to that kind of stuff. I-I’m all about spreading g-g-good vibes, not getting mixed up in bad juju.
DA: Mister Pig, isn’t it true that you and Mister Flying Squirrel used to be close friends, always together at various events?
Porky Pig: Y-Y-Yes, but that d-d-doesn’t mean I-I-I was involved in what you claim he was doing!
DA: So you expect us to believe that you, a close friend of the notorious Rocky the Flying Squirrel, had no idea about his activities during the Woodstock Festival?
Porky Pig: I-I-I didn’t know about the drugs, I s-s-swear!
Defense Attorney: Objection, Your Honor! Counsel is badgering the witness.
Judge: Sustained. Mister District Attorney, please rephrase your question or move on.
DA: Apologies, Your Honor. Mister Pig, did you notice anything unusual about Mister Flying Squirrel’s behavior during the festival?
Porky Pig: W-W-Well, he was acting a little different, but I-I-I thought it was just because of all the naked girls prancing around to the music.
DA: Thank you Mister Pig. That’s all the questions I have for this witness.
W-W-Well, I-I-I heard some people c-c-complaining about feeling like their brains were circling Uranus, but I-I-I thought it was just due to the contaminated water, and all the mud we had to sleep in.
Judge: Mister Defense Attorney, you may question the witness.
Defense Attorney: Now, I would like to ask you a few questions. Mister Pig, were you aware of any conflicts between Mister Flying Squirrel and other individuals at the festival?
Porky Pig: N-N-Not that I saw. Rocky was just mingling with people, enjoying the music.
Defense Attorney: Did you observe any signs of violent illness or incapacitation among the festival goers?
Porky Pig: W-W-Well, I-I-I heard some people c-c-complaining about feeling like their brains were circling Uranus, but I-I-I thought it was just due to the contaminated water, and all the mud we had to sleep in.
Defense Attorney: Mister Pig, can you vouch for Mister Flying Squirrel’s character and his reputation prior to this incident?
Porky Pig: Y-Y-Yes, Rocky the Flying Squirrel has always been a good friend to me. I-I-I never saw him engage in any illegal activities before.
Defense Attorney: Thank you, Mister Pig. Your testimony is greatly appreciated. You can step down, but please do not leave town. We may need to speak with you again.
Judge: Mister District Attorney, you may call your next witness.
DA: Thank you, your honor. I’d like to call Mister Daffy Duck to the stand. Please state your full name, occupation, and place of residence for the record.
Daffy Duck: I’m the one and only Daffy Duck, folks! No one can hold a candle to my duck-tastic greatness! I’m the unrivaled, unmatchable superstar of the whole cartoon universe! You hear me? I’m a quackin’ genius, a feathered force to be reckoned with! I wear many hats, baby. I’m an actor, a comedian, a daredevil, and the ultimate mischief-maker! Ain’t nothin’ I can’t do, nowhere I can’t go! Anywhere I hang my feathers is where I call home.
DA: Thank you. Mister Duck, were you present at the Woodstock festival where Rocky the Flying Squirrel allegedly sold questionable drugs?
Daffy Duck: You must be quackin’ crazy if you think I had anythin’ to do with that festival or Rocky’s shady dealings! I ain’t got the time or the feathers for mixin’ with bad drugs or squirrels gone rogue. Nah-uh, not my style!
DA: Are you suggesting that you had absolutely no knowledge or awareness of any drug-related activities happening around you during the festival?
Daffy Duck: Look, bub, there were lots of kids runnin’ around wet, naked and high on God knows what. I enjoy a quackin’ good time too! But I ain’t one to be stickin’ my beak where it don’t belong. I’m all about partyin’ and enjoyin’ myself, not gettin’ mixed up in trouble.
DA: And what about your interactions with Rocky the Flying Squirrel? Can you recall any suspicious behavior or conversations that might be relevant to this case?
Daffy Duck: Rocky and me, we’ve had our fair share of, shall we say, intense exchanges. He’s always playin’ the innocent act, but I know there’s more to that crazy rodent than meets the eye. I’ve caught him snoopin’ around, eavesdroppin’ on conversations, and pullin’ off sneaky maneuvers. But suspicious behavior? Nah, I can’t say for sure.
DA: Thank you, Mister Duck. You may step down. I’m ready to call my next witness, Your Honor.
Judge: Very well. Call your next witness
I wemembew that festival, my fwiend. I wath pwesent, but I didn’t thee Wocky the Fwying Squiwew selling any bad dwugs. That was just a wotten wumor. Wocky ith jutht a wittle squiwew who woves his acownth, not dwugs!
DA: I call Mister Elmer Fudd to the stand. Please state your full name, occupation, and residence for the record.
Elmer Fudd: My name is Ewmer Fudd. I’m a wabbit huntew, and I wive in Wascawy Wane, Westwood.
DA: Mister Fudd, were you present at the Woodstock festival where Rocky the Flying Squirrel allegedly sold bad drugs to young teenagers?
Elmer Fudd: Ah, yesh, I wemembew that festival, my fwiend. I wath pwesent, but I didn’t thee Wocky the Fwying Squiwew selling any bad dwugs. That was just a wotten wumor. Wocky ith jutht a wittle squiwew who woves his acownth, not dwugs!
DA: Can you testify to any suspicious behavior or conversations involving Mister Flying Squirrel and other strangers?
Elmer Fudd: Weww, I must say, I did not pewsowawwy witness any suspiciouf behaviow fwom Wocky the Fwying Squiwew. He wath just going about his acownth-gathewing business, wike any othew day. Wocky’s just a wunny wittle cweatuwe, not a cwinimaw mastewmind, if you ask me. Pewsonawwy, I was more focused on findin’ a good spot to watch Sha Na Na.
DA: So you’re claiming that you didn’t have any direct knowledge of Mister Flying Squirrel’s alleged drug dealings?
Elmer Fudd: Dat’s wight, my fwend. I didn’t have any diwect know-wedge of Wocky’s alleged dwug dealings. I’m just a simple wabbit huntew, minding my own business. I can’t speak to things I didn’t witness myself. So, I must say, I don’t have any infowmation about Wocky being involved in any dwug-related activities.
DA: Thank you for your testimony, Mister Fudd. No further questions at this time, your honor.
Judge: Thank you, Mister District Attorney. Do you have any more witnesses to call?
DA: Thank you, your honor. I’d like to bring back a previous witness: Mister Bugs Bunny.
Judge: Very well. The court calls Mister Bugs Bunny to the stand.
I ain’t got time to be a drug-sniffing bunny, alright? I was focused on the music, the dancing, and enjoying the festival vibes. Ain’t no need for me to be nosin’ around in other folks’ business.
DA: Let me remind you, Mister Bunny, that you are still under oath.
Bugs Bunny: Yeah, yeah. I got it, doc.
DA: Mister Bunny, I must say, your previous testimony left much to be desired. I hope this time you’ll provide us with more detailed information. Were you present at the festival where Rocky the Flying Squirrel allegedly sold bad drugs to kindergarten kids?
Bugs Bunny: Eh, look here, doc, I already told ya, I was there, but I didn’t see Rocky doin’ nothin’ wrong.
DA: Mister Bunny, let me remind you that you are still under oath. It is imperative that you tell the truth. Can you really sit there and claim complete ignorance about any illicit activities involving Rocky the Flying Squirrel?
Bugs Bunny: Now hold on a carrot-pickin’ minute! I ain’t got no reason to lie, pal. I was just a rabbit enjoying the music, not a detective sniffing out every little dang thing.
DA: Mister Bunny, it’s hard to believe that someone as observant and clever as you could remain completely unaware of any suspicious behavior of Mister Flying Squirrel. Are you certain you saw nothing at all?
Bugs Bunny: Look, doc, I ain’t got time to be a drug-sniffing bunny, alright? I was focused on the music, the dancing, and enjoying the festival vibes. Ain’t no need for me to be nosin’ around in other folks’ business.
DA: So you expect us to believe that you were completely oblivious to any signs of drug-related activities occurring right under your nose?
Bugs Bunny: You can believe what you want, but the truth remains the same. I didn’t see nothin’ worth reportin’. I was just tryin’ to have a good time, like any bunny would.
DA: Very well, Mister Bunny. Your selective memory is duly noted. No further questions at this time, your honor.
Judge: Thank you, Mister District Attorney. The court clerk informs me that you have one additional surprise witness to call, is that right?
DA: Yes, your honor.
Defense Attorney: Objection, Your Honor! The prosecution’s failure to disclose this witness prior to the trial violates my client’s right to due process and undermines our ability to adequately prepare a defense. We were entitled to know the witnesses that the prosecution intended to call so that we could investigate and potentially challenge their testimony.
Call me Mr. Bird, man. I think I’ve earned that much respect.
Judge: Counsels, please approach the bench.
DA: Your Honor, the information regarding this witness only came to our attention recently, at the Isle of Wight Festival. We did not deliberately withhold the information and did not have prior knowledge of this witness. Their testimony is crucial to establishing a key element of our case, and we believe it would be unfair to the prosecution’s case if we were unable to call them as a witness.
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, while I understand the prosecution’s position, we still believe this surprise witness puts us at a significant disadvantage. Our ability to challenge the credibility and veracity of this witness will be compromised due to our lack of preparation time. We request that this witness’s testimony be excluded from the trial.
Judge: I understand the Defense’s concerns about fairness and preparation time. However, I also recognize the importance of allowing the prosecution to present its case fully. In the interest of ensuring a fair trial, I will allow the surprise witness to testify. Mister District Attorney, call your next witness.
DA: I call Mister Tweety Bird to the stand.
Court Clerk: Please raise your right hand, or in your case, your right wing, and repeat after me:
“I swear by Almighty God that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”
Tweety Bird: I do.
DA: Tweety, please state your full name, occupation, and residence for the record.
Tweety Bird: Call me Mister Bird, man. I think I’ve earned that much respect. I’m like this groovy animated cartoon character, you know? I’m livin’ the high life in a chill birdhouse behind 1137 Whippoorwill Road in Cleveland, Ohio. It’s my cozy pad, man.
DA: Mister Bird, let’s get down to brass tacks. Were you or were you not present at the Woodstock Music Festival where Rocky the Flying Squirrel allegedly sold bad drugs to babies on the weekend of August 15–18, 1969?
Tweety Bird: I was totally there, dude! Flappin’ around like there was no tomorrow, havin’ the time of my life! It was an epic experience, a grand ol’ time I’ll never forget!
DA: That’s all well and good, Mister Bird, but I need to know if you witnessed anything suspicious involving Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
I tawt I taw him, you know? But it was just a friendly encounter, man. We exchanged pleasantries and had a nice little chat about who’s better: The Grateful Dead or Canned Heat
Tweety Bird: Oh, d-d-dude, there was like n-n-nuthin’ sketchy happenin’! I tawt I taw Rocky, but he was just mindin’ his own business, chattin’ away with puddy-tats, ya know? It was all innocent vibes, man. Just a little sqwirrel doin’ his thing, havin’ a fwriendly chat with cool puddy-tats.
DA: Are you saying that you saw Mister Flying Squirrel, but you didn’t observe him engaging in any illegal activities with those, how did you say it, puddy-tats?
Tweety Bird: Oh yeah, man, that’s exactly what I’m tryin’ to say! I tawt I taw Rocky, but he was just goin’ with the flow, you know? Spreadin’ his wings and floating like the far-out squirrel he is. Nothin’ funky or shady goin’ on, just pure positive energy, man!
DA: Mister Bird, are you absolutely certain that you didn’t see Mister Flying Squirrel involved in any illicit drug-related activities?
Tweety Bird: Absolutely, dude! I’m like, 100% certain! I’m just a little birdie, you know? As I said earlier, I didn’t see Rocky doin’ anythin’ wrong, I swear on my feathers! He was just doin’ his thing, enjoyin’ the vibes like the rest of us.
DA: Mister Bird, you must understand the seriousness of this matter. Your testimony plays a crucial role in determining Rocky the Flying Squirrel’s guilt or innocence. Can you recall any conversations or interactions with Mister Flying Squirrel that might shed light on these allegations?
Tweety Bird: I tawt I taw him, you know? But it was just a friendly encounter, man. We exchanged pleasantries and had a nice little chat about who’s better: The Grateful Dead or Canned Heat, but there was no talk about drugs or anythin’ sinister. It was all innocent chatter, like two buddies catchin’ up.
DA: I find it hard to believe that you, as an eyewitness, have no valuable information to provide. Are you intentionally withholding the truth, Mister Bird?
Tweety Bird: Hey, dude! I’m just a tweet and honest birdie, swearin’ on my little yellow feathers and all. I tawt I taw Rocky, but let me tell you, he was just mindin’ his own business, doin’ his thing. Just a flying squirrel in his own world, doin’ his squirrelly stuff. Cross my feathers, man, I ain’t holdin’ back nothin’!
DA: Very well, Mister Bird. We’ll have to see how your testimony holds up. No further questions at this time, Your Honor. You may step down, Mister Bird.
Judge: Thank you, Mister District Attorney. The testimonies of Porky Pig, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, and Tweety Bird have been duly recorded. We will adjourn for the day and begin closing arguments tomorrow morning at 9:00 am. Court is adjourned!
The trial for Rocky the Flying Squirrel emphasizes the power and importance of our legal system. It serves as a reminder of the consequences individuals face when they engage in illegal activities, whether you’re a human being or a Looney Tunes cartoon character. The courtroom proceedings in this trial demonstrated how adherence to due process and the principles of justice can benefit everyone.
Overall, the power of our legal system lies in its ability to maintain order, protect the rights of individuals, and ensure justice is served, even if you’re a flying squirrel. It serves as a reminder that it is always better to abide by the law and avoid engaging in illegal activities at weekend music festivals that can have significant personal, social, and legal consequences.
