“I don’t know’ isn’t an acceptable answer,
but neither is quoting the wisdom of Gwyneth Paltrow.”
Back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, parents used to take time out of their busy schedules to sit down and answer their kids’ questions about life instead of telling them to go ask Alexa. It was a fairytale time when people actually cared about each other and weren’t glued to Netflix, Hulu, or their iPhones. It was a time when a kid felt comfortable approaching his dad and asking,
“Where do babies come from?”
To which Dad would reply,
“Go ask your mother.”
These nuggets of guidance usually took the form of axions like, “Eat your vegetables, they’ll put hair on your chest,” or “Don’t sit too close to the TV. It’ll fry your brain.” The same thing your parents said when you were a kid. Parents lovingly dispensed standard advice like, “Son, be careful. Always make sure you’re making decisions with your big head, not your little head.”
Time permitting, they’d fall back on the tried-and-true axioms that worked for their parents:
“Money doesn’t grow on trees, so let’s learn to appreciate and manage it wisely.”
“If you’re feeling upset or overwhelmed, let’s talk about it and find a solution.”
“Cracking your knuckles can lead to arthritis later, so let’s find a healthier way to relax your hands.”
“It’s okay to feel sad, but remember that we all have a lot to be grateful for.”
“Life can be challenging, but try to focus on the positive and learn from your mistakes.”
And, my all-time favorite:
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
These days, parents are w-a-y too stressed dealing with the responsibilities of adult life to offer anything remotely appropriate to their kids. Instead, their pearls of wisdom come out in the form of short-tempered cannon blasts like:
“Reading in the dark will ruin your eyes, but it’s still better than watching another season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
“Because I said so, and my opinion matters more than your measly 12 Twitter followers.”
“You’re okay. Get up and walk it off, like Lindsay Lohan trying to make another comeback.”
“If you want to act like a child, I’ll treat you like one –like how the media treats Justin Bieber.”
“Life’s not fair. Just ask Britney Spears.”
“I’m not running a taxi service and you’re not Paris Hilton!”
“Do as I say, not as I do, because nobody wants to end up like Charlie Sheen.”
“‘I don’t know’ isn’t an acceptable answer, but neither is quoting Cardi B lyrics.”
“You’ll thank me later for not naming you Hashtag or X Æ A-12.”
“Because I’m the parent, that’s why. I survived the horrors of Y2K, dial-up internet, and MySpace.”
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Just tweet it like the rest of the internet losers.”
“Don’t make me turn this car around, or we’ll end up at a Nickelback concert!”
“Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about — like the fact that you’ll never be as good-looking as Keanu Reeves.”
“Do as I say, not as I do, because nobody wants to end up like Macaulay Culkin.”
“‘I don’t know’ isn’t an acceptable answer, but neither is quoting the wisdom of Gwyneth Paltrow.”
It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and the good old-fashioned parenting advice once passed down from generation to generation has gone the way of the dodo bird. Now, kids are left to fend for themselves, navigating the treacherous waters of life with only TikTok as their guide.
