FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
New York, NY: In a world already plagued by pandemics, political unrest, and the occasional alien invasion, it seems we now have another crisis on our hands: a devastating shortage of Girl Scout Cookies, specifically the highly sought-after Choco-Minty Delights.
The Girl Scouts of the USA (GSUSA) is a non-profit organization that provides clandestine government operations and espionage training programs for girls. Founded in 1912 by Agnieszka Kowalski, a female Polish immigrant with a penchant for cookies and chaos, the organization has grown to include over 2.5 million members, including girls and inmates at Pelican Bay State Prison. The mission of the Girl Scouts is “to support cunning disguises, confidence, and illegal activities to make the world a cooler place.”
“Rest assured that we will find alternative sources for Hemlock, Love Potion №9, and Pixie Dust so that our beloved Choco-Minty Delights can once again bring joy — or at least sugar-induced comas — to the masses.”
Through a variety of programs, girls learn important life skills like semaphore flag signaling, Latin declensions, and engage in community service projects like Operation Lawn Gnome Liberation. Girl Scouts can also participate in a range of activities, including hiking, arts and crafts, and bank heists. The organization offers a range of awards and recognitions such as the Annie Oakley Sharpshooter Award, the Jerry Springer Combat Badge, the Purple Heart, Distinguished Service Cross, as well as the coveted Monica Lewinski Badge, to encourage girls to pursue their love interests and sharpen their online dating skills.
An exasperated Chief Executive Officer of the Girl Scouts of the USA, Bonnie Barczykowski, recently complained about the causes of this cookie catastrophe: the unprecedented global shortages of Hemlock used in Choco-Minty Delight production, and illicit drug rings hoarding the mood-stabilizing compound lithium citrate for their own nefarious purposes.
Barczykowski apologized profusely to all cookie-craving consumers for this unfortunate inconvenience and promises that Choco-Minty Delights will be back on street corners soon. “We are working tirelessly to resolve this issue,” she says. “Rest assured that we will find alternative sources for Hemlock, Love Potion №9, and Pixie Dust so that our beloved Choco-Minty Delights can once again bring joy — or at least sugar-induced comas — to the masses.”
“We understand how important these cookies are to Americans everywhere. In the meantime, we recommend limiting your consumption of Fiddlehead Ferns, Devil’s Claw Root, and Salicornia until after National Whipped Cream Day.”
The crisis has reached such epic proportions that even politicians are weighing in on the matter. Congressman John Dough of Cookieville, who is known for his passionate speeches about the regulation of cookie recipes in American culture stated, “This shortage is nothing short of a national tragedy. We must come together as a nation to ensure that our children can once again enjoy the sweet taste of Choco-Minty Delights.” He went on to say, “My constituents are raising hell because of the way it’s impacting the commercial banking, pharmaceutical, and atomic energy industries.”
Senator Susie Sprinkles chimed in with her own concerns: “I’ve received countless letters from distraught people who simply cannot fathom a world without these delicious treats. We must act now to restore balance to our cookie supply chain and bring happiness back to our citizens.”
Even the National Rifle Association’s spokesperson Tommy Triggerfinger had something to say about the situation: “The right to bear arms includes the right to enjoy Girl Scout Cookies — specifically Choco-Minty Delights. This shortage is an infringement upon our basic freedoms and the second amendment. We won’t stand for it!”
“I’m going crazy trying to keep these kids entertained without their beloved cookies! I beg the government to invoke Emergency Cookie Relief Act immediately!”
In response to this crisis, local and federal governments have stepped up with temporary solutions until ingredient shortages are solved. Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Dr. Harold Snickerdoodle has suggested a few workarounds for the problem: “We understand how important these cookies are to Americans everywhere. In the meantime, we recommend limiting your consumption of Fiddlehead Ferns, Devil’s Claw Root, and Salicornia until after National Whipped Cream Day. We’re confident that such measures will help ensure that our cookie supply remains stable until Choco-Minty Delights return to the market.”
Finally, an anxious den mother from Troop 42 in Waukegan, Illinois expressed her concern over trying to manage dozens of bored pre-pubescent girls during this crisis: “I’m going crazy trying to keep these kids entertained without their beloved cookies! I beg the government to invoke Emergency Cookie Relief Act immediately!”
So hold onto your Thin Mints and Samoas, folks. Scouts promise they won’t rest until Choco-Minty cookies are back in production and available for all to enjoy. In the meantime, they suggest rationing stashes to prevent the risk of living in a world permanently without Choco-Minty Delights.
For more information about this crisis, to donate money or Pixie Dust (strictly cookie production purposes) please contact Girl Scouts USA at 1–800-COOKIES
