“Life without a cat is like a sandwich without cheese – bland, unexciting, and utterly lacking in the joy of a good, hearty cheddar.”
– Evangeline Higgledypiggledy
I am thrilled to introduce my brand new advice column, “Paws & Whiskers: Unraveling the Cat Conundrum.” Hopefully, this column will serve as your guide to the perplexing world of cat ownership, tackling the most puzzling questions, and providing you with the answers you never knew you needed.
Whether you’re a first-time cat owner or a seasoned cat whisperer, this advice column will enrich your feline-filled life with knowledge, laughter, and perhaps even a newfound appreciation for that catnip-stuffed mouse toy that always seems to find its way under your pillow at night.
So welcome to “Paws & Whiskers: Unraveling the Cat Conundrum” – your ticket to the fantastical world of cats!
Sincerely,
Dr. Evangeline Higgledypiggledy DVM
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: Is it safe to give my cat a bath in the washing machines at a laundromat?
Certainly! The washing machines at a laundromat are the perfect place for a fun, frothy feline fiesta. Just make sure you don’t forget the detergent and fabric softener because we all know how important it is for cats to be squeaky clean and smell like a fresh meadow. And let’s not forget the added benefit of your cat becoming an expert swimmer. With each spin, tumble, and rinse, your feline friend will undoubtedly develop the aquatic skills of an Olympic athlete. Michael Phelps, eat your heart out.
For loads of fun, you might want to consider strapping a GoPro to your cat’s head before starting the spin cycle. After all, who wouldn’t want to capture the thrilling adventure of whiskers and fur swirling around in a watery vortex? You could even turn it into a viral YouTube video because the internet is just clamoring for more content involving terrified animals in perilous situations.
And how about this? Why not take this opportunity to multitask and toss in your laundry with your cat? It’s a win-win situation. Not only will your cat get its much-needed bath, but your clothes will also be gently exfoliated by your cat’s claws as it frantically tries to escape the watery nightmare you’ve subjected it to. Say goodbye to lint rollers, my friend. Your clothes will be hair-free and fabulous.
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: Is it okay to give my cat a small glass of wine to help them sleep?
Oh, absolutely! Why not treat your cat to a luxurious evening of wining and dining? It’s not like their little livers have anything better to do than process alcohol. Plus, I’m sure your cat’s refined palate will appreciate the subtleties of oak and tannins in that fine bottle of Chardonnay you’ve been saving since 1984. After all, it’s common knowledge that cats are known for their sophisticated tastes, right alongside their love for dumpster diving and licking their private parts.
And let’s not forget the bonding experience that comes with sharing a glass of wine with your feline companion. As you both sip away at your respective glasses, you can discuss the finer points of life, like that pesky red laser dot that keeps eluding capture. Who needs a therapist when you’ve got a slightly intoxicated cat to spill your guts to?
So, if you’re looking for a way to bond with your cat while simultaneously damaging its liver and potentially causing long-term health issues, then by all means, pour that glass of vino. Just remember that when your cat finally sobers up, you’ll have to deal with the aftermath. But hey, at least you’ll have some entertaining stories to share at your next dinner party, right?
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: Is it safe to get my cat a tattoo?
You bet! Because, you know, cats just love being poked with needles repeatedly for hours on end. They’re notorious for their patience and appreciation for body art. In fact, they’re probably just waiting for you to take them to the nearest tattoo parlor, where they’ll undoubtedly sit still and purr contentedly as they’re permanently etched with a tasteful portrait of their favorite human. And don’t worry about any potential health risks or the fact that cats have an entirely different skin structure than humans. Those are just minor details.
While you’re at it, why not go the extra mile and get your cat a piercing or two? Maybe an eyebrow ring or a cute little stud in their nose. I’m sure they’d be thrilled to sport some bling as they strut around the neighborhood, showing off their newfound “street cred” to all the other envious felines. Just imagine the bragging rights you’ll have at your next neighborhood gathering, regaling everyone with the tale of how you turned Fluffy into a badass feline rebel.
So go ahead, get your cat that tattoo; or four. After all, it’s not like they have any say in the matter, and their comfort and well-being should always come second to your amusement and aesthetic preferences.
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: Can my cat get a sunburn?
Definitely not! Cats are basically solar-powered creatures, designed to bask in the sun’s rays for hours on end without any consequences. It’s not like they have delicate skin or anything – they’re basically just tiny, furry sun gods. So go ahead, leave your cat out in the scorching sun all day, and don’t give a second thought to the potential for sunburn, heatstroke, or dehydration. After all, they’ve got fur, right? That’s basically nature’s built-in sunscreen. No need to worry about silly little things like UV rays or skin cancer.
But hey, if you’re really concerned about your cat’s sun exposure, you could always invest in a kitty-sized swimsuit, a pair of sunglasses, and an adorable sun hat. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to wear them, and won’t attempt to claw them off their face and shred them to bits. After all, cats are well-known for their love of fashion and willingness to wear whatever ridiculous accessories their humans decide to foist upon them. So go on, let your cat bask in the sun worry-free because we all know that when it comes to feline health, sunburn is definitely not a concern.
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: My cat thinks she’s Ethel Merman and keeps me up all night singing loud renditions of I Got Rhythm, Everything’s Coming Up Roses, and There’s No Business Like Show Business. What should I do to get some sleep?
Hold onto your top hats and tails, for your inquiry has catapulted me into the limelight of feline theatrical absurdity! As a seasoned veterinarian, I’ve encountered my fair share of melodramatic meows, but your cat’s Ethel Merman impersonation has taken the cake – or should I say, the Tony Award – for the most show-stopping question!
Now, one could consider some otherworldly solutions to your cat’s nocturnal serenades, such as getting her an agent, enlisting the help of a feline vocal coach to refine her technique, or constructing a miniature soundproof Broadway stage in your living room. Perhaps even hosting a cat talent show in your neighborhood, allowing your furry diva to share the spotlight with other melodious mousers. However, these far-fetched solutions may only serve to fuel her theatrical fire, leaving you with an even more impassioned Ethel Merman impersonator.
In all seriousness, the key to a peaceful night’s sleep may lie in providing your feline star with ample playtime and mental stimulation during the day, tiring her out and reducing her need to perform her one-cat show in the wee hours. With a little luck and a lot of patience, your cat may soon trade in her Ethel Merman persona for a more subdued, offstage presence, allowing you both to rest easy and dream of a world where cats and Broadway coexist in perfect harmony.
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: Is it alright to give my cat a tab of LSD or an occasional hit from my bong as a special treat?
As a seasoned veterinarian, I’ve encountered a myriad of mind-boggling questions, but yours has skyrocketed into the outer reaches of absurdity! The notion of offering your feline friend a tab of LSD or a hit from your bong as a “special treat” is so outlandish that it’s transcended the realm of reason and entered the twilight zone of tomfoolery!
Envision your cat, tripping the light fandango, bounding through the air after phantasmagoric prey, or suddenly believing it’s one of the Wright brothers and leaping out the window in an attempt to soar through the skies. The ensuing chaos would be nothing short of a pandemonium-inducing catastrophe of cataclysmic proportions.
But lets paws for a moment of seriousness: giving your cat LSD or a hit from your bong is not only the epitome of terrible ideas, but it’s also incredibly dangerous and potentially fatal. Our beloved pets rely on us to keep them safe and healthy, not to send them spiraling into a psychedelic abyss from which they may never return. The feline mind is a delicate and mysterious thing, and introducing such powerful substances into their world could lead to irreversible damage or even tragedy.
So, to answer your question with the utmost fervor: NO, it is absolutely, unequivocally, and irrevocably not alright to give your cat a tab of LSD or a hit from your bong as a “special treat.” Instead, might I suggest a trip to the store for some catnip, a new scratching post, or even a trip to the Vet to get spayed or neutered. Your cat will thank you, and you’ll both avoid a mind-melting, pandemonium-inducing catastrophe of cataclysmic proportions.
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: Now that my cat is one year old, I want him to start carrying his share of the load. Can I give my cat a personality test to find out what kind of job he would be good at?
Definitely! Because as we all know, cats are just chomping at the bit to enter the workforce and contribute to society. They’re not at all known for their penchant for napping and a general disdain for anything resembling effort. So go ahead, bust out that personality test, and start analyzing your cat’s unique strengths and weaknesses. After all, why should humans be the only ones subjected to the soul-crushing monotony of the daily grind?
And, hey! Why not sponsor a little kitty job fair? You could invite local businesses to set up booths and pitch their employment opportunities to all the eager, job-hunting felines in the neighborhood. Just imagine the possibilities: your cat could become a customer service representative, a data analyst, or even a Starbucks barista! I mean, who wouldn’t want their morning coffee served up by a surly, fur-covered creature with a penchant for knocking things off countertops? It’s a surefire recipe for success.
If your cat’s personality test results don’t quite point them in the direction of a traditional 9-to-5, don’t despair! There’s always the option of turning your cat into an Instagram influencer or YouTube sensation. After all, the internet is practically built on the foundation of cute cat videos and pictures. So go on, thrust your cat into the unforgiving world of employment, because when it comes to feline ambition, the sky’s the limit!
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: Is it possible to teach my cat how to drive a car? Are there any benefits?
What? Are you kidding? You’re way behind the curve on this one. I mean, who wouldn’t want their cat chauffeuring them around town, navigating traffic with their impeccable feline reflexes and keen eyesight? It’s not like they have a completely different anatomy from humans or anything. And don’t worry about any potential safety concerns, like the fact that cats lack the necessary limbs opposing thumbs and cognitive abilities to operate a motor vehicle. Those are just minor details, though.
And after they get started, why not go all out and enroll your cat in The Bob Bondurant School of High-Performance Driving? You could even spring for a professional instructor who specializes in teaching feline students how to drive. Just imagine the look on your neighbors’ faces when they see your cat speeding down the street, parallel parking, and doing donuts on your front lawn! After all, cats are known for their strict adherence to rules and regulations, so they’re practically destined to drive greatness.
So go ahead, put your cat in the driver’s seat, because when it comes to feline independence, there’s no such thing as going too far or being too ridiculous. And don’t forget to buckle them up!
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy: Can my cat attend college classes with me?
I don’t see why not! Because as we all know, cats are renowned for their insatiable thirst for knowledge and their ability to sit through hours of lectures without causing a scene. It’s not like they have a natural instinct to pounce on anything that moves or a penchant for napping in the most inconvenient places. So go ahead, and enroll your cat as your trusty sidekick in higher education. After all, who wouldn’t want their feline companion by their side as they delve into the mysteries of calculus or the nuances of 18th-century literature?
But if your cat isn’t quite grasping the complexities of academia, don’t despair! There’s always the option of enrolling them in an online degree program, where they can pursue their education from the comfort of their favorite sunbeam. After all, the internet is practically tailor-made for cat-friendly learning, with its endless supply of educational videos and interactive quizzes. So, what are you waiting for? Take your cat to college, because when it comes to feline intellectual pursuits, there’s no such thing as going too far or being too ridiculous. Happy studying!
Dear Dr. Higgledypiggledy. Can I legally marry my cat?
Definitely! Because as we all know, cats are renowned for their deep understanding of human relationships and their burning desire to enter into the sacred bond of matrimony. It’s not like they have a natural instinct to prioritize self-preservation and independence over lifelong commitments. So go ahead, pop the question to your feline companion, and prepare for the whirlwind romance of a lifetime. After all, who wouldn’t want their beloved pet by their side as they navigate the trials and tribulations of married life?
And why not go all out and plan the most extravagant inter-species wedding the world has ever seen? You could even commission a bespoke wedding gown for your furry fiancé, along with matching accessories and a custom-designed ring. Just imagine the envy of your friends and family as they witness the union of two souls – one human, one feline – in a touching ceremony that redefines the very concept of love. After all, cats are known for their love of attention and their willingness to wear whatever ridiculous outfits their humans decide to foist upon them.
But, if your cat isn’t quite as thrilled about the prospect of marriage as you’d hoped, don’t despair! There’s always the option of seeking counseling for your apparent obsession with anthropomorphizing your pet and blurring the lines between species.
So go ahead, and propose to your cat, because when it comes to feline-human relationships, there’s no such thing as going too far or being too ridiculous.
I am tickled pink to present you with the purr-fect solution to your kitty conundrums: “Paws & Whiskers: Unraveling the Cat Conundrum.” This clawsome new advice column is designed to tackle the oh-so-pressing issues that plague the lives of cat owners like yourselves. We’re sure your cat will feel that way too.
As we leap headfirst into this fur-raising adventure, we implore you to submit your questions, regale us with your cat-astrophes, and engage with fellow cat servants. Your input will be the catnip that fuels this advice column, so don’t be shy! Let’s join paws and whiskers, and unravel the cat conundrum together, one hairball at a time.
Thank you for your support, and we eagerly await the chance to answer your questions and guide you through the wild and whiskered world of cat servitude.
Dr. Evangeline Higgledypiggledy DVM
