Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I come to you today with an urgent message. A message that is so important, it could change the course of humanity as we know it. I am, of course, talking about the rampant, uncontrollable, and downright offensive presence of violins on television.
Yes, you heard me right. Violins. Those wretched, wooden, stringed monstrosities that have invaded our screens, our homes, and our very lives. It’s high time we took a stand against these sinister instruments and their incessant screeching.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But surely, violins aren’t that bad. They’re just a part of our culture, our music, our history!” But let me assure you, dear reader, that the presence of violins on television is far more insidious than you may realize
In fact, recent studies have shown that exposure to violins on television can lead to a myriad of negative side effects. These include, but are not limited to, uncontrollable sobbing, sudden urges to dance in a highly dramatic manner, and an irrational desire to wear frilly, old-fashioned clothing.
And it’s not just our television screens that are at risk. Our schools, churches, and synagogues have also fallen prey to the violin menace. Children are being indoctrinated into the cult of violins at an alarming rate, with many schools offering violin lessons as part of their regular curriculum. It’s a travesty, I tell you!
So, what can we do to combat this violin epidemic? How can we reclaim our screens, our institutions, and our sanity? Here are a few suggestions:
- Replace all violins in schools with more wholesome, less offensive instruments, such as the triangle or kazoo. Not only will this reduce the number of violins in circulation, but it will also make school concerts infinitely more enjoyable for all involved.
- Petition your local television networks to implement a “Violin-Free TV” policy. This may be a difficult battle to win, but with enough public support, we can make our voices heard and rid our screens of these stringed abominations once and for all.
- Encourage your religious institutions to adopt alternative forms of musical accompaniment during services. Perhaps a nice accordion, or even a well-played set of spoons. Anything but the dreaded violins.
- Finally, educate yourself and others about the dangers of violins on television. Share this article with your friends and family, and together, we can spread the word and put an end to this musical menace.
In conclusion, it’s time for us to stand up and say “NO” to violins on television. Together, we can make a difference and create a world free from the tyranny of these sinister stringed instruments. Remember, a world without violins on television is a world worth fighting for.
