Moments after I was born, Dr. Felsenbaum greeted me with a slap on my heinie. Naturally, I was too young to understand the significance of the gesture and took immediate offense to being manhandled straight out of the womb. As it turns out, it wouldn’t be the last time someone slapped me on my backside. I just wished he would have given me a firm hand shake instead.
That whack on the bum was my first introduction to a long list of quaint American greeting traditions and was meant to get me started crying and breathing. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I would have preferred a hearty handshake followed by a request to exhale. If he’d asked, I would have been happy to comply – especially if he offered me a cigarette. But, like it or not, that’s how my life began.
When I was in junior high school, we greeted all our friends with a unique variety of insults designed to generate attention – starting by pulling their underwear up to their shoulder blades. I remember being smacked on the back of my head so hard my retainer shot across the room. Slapping our girlfriends on the heinie was preferred over a hearty handshake and was considered a sign of affection. Everyone got away with it, but there’s no way I’d consider giving my supervisor a flat or a wedgie, today.
Not being much of a world traveler, I was surprised to learn from the Discovery Channel that greeting strangers with a simple handshake isn’t the only way people say hello. And it isn’t necessarily isolated to the United States. Furthermore, the simple handshake isn’t always so simple. Even in my hometown, there are a variety of convoluted hand clasps you can draw on, depending on your intent.
Urban legend has the handshake originating in medieval Europe as an extension of the right hand, to prove that you weren’t concealing a weapon – like a four-foot sabre. Of course, you still could have hid a katara, machete, morning star, or war scythe under your cloak, but that’s another story. Europeans were a very trusting lot back then. Since then, the handshake has evolved into a number of different gestures.
If someone extends their hand to me while remaining several feet away (affectionately known as the “Lean-in Handshake”), I 
usually interpret that as a sign of mistrust – or lousy hygiene practices. It conjures up immediate suspicion and can set a negative tone for the duration of our relationship. The opposite is the hand hug used by campaigning politicians. We’ve all seen it – right hands firmly clasped, while the left hand smothers the other two. It’s meant to instill intimacy and friendship, especially if it’s coupled with a gangsta-hug used so often by Denzel Washington when he’s welcomed onto the Tonight Show.
Russian men enjoy greeting people with bone crushing handshakes. Anything less is considered effeminate, so if you’re attending a convention in Moscow where you’ll be meeting a lot of large, adult male strangers, you’d be smart to book a MRI and a consultation with a hand surgeon before you head home. On the other side of the pond, the British use a technique called The Queen’s Fingertips – a handshake where only your fingertips come in contact. But nothing beats the Jiveshake for imagination, creativity and dexterity. Associated with young African-American men (with or without gang affiliations), the Jiveshake begins by clutching the base of the other person’s thumbs, rotating and gyrating the fingers, knuckles, up, down, inside and out, followed by brushing your elbows, sliding your forearms, jamming your hips and leaning in to bump each others’ shoulders.
Next to shaking hands, kissing is the most popular gesture used around the world. It’s a standard greeting in France, Great Britain, Arab countries, Belgium, Russia, Albania and Armenia – but not the United States. Even before I’d heard of kissing as a greeting, I’d read about the quaint Eskimo greeting of rubbing noses – called the Eskimo kiss. Unfortunately, Americans are not mature enough to take on the responsibility of public displays of affection – especially in the workplace. A couple of well-intentioned pecks on the cheek and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in the HR department, trying to explain why my hand slid so far below her waist.
The residents of the Polynesian island Tuvalu take kissing one step further by pressing their faces into the other’s and inhaling a deep sniff. Personally, I’m glad Americans just shake hands. The thought of kissing or inhaling Herb Zuckerman’s cologne at the start of my annual review is just too much to even contemplate.
There are thousands of other greetings besides shaking hands and kissing. The Japanese are well known for their bowing. The deeper the bow, the greater their respect. It’s a wonderful custom and always let’s you know exactly where you stand with people. If Soji Kojumora bends 90 degrees at the waist, I know I could probably get away with dating his daughter – or at least asking. If he reduces his greeting to a simple nod of the head, I’m safe in assuming that I’m on his S**T list and should probably look for other friends.
The Masai tribe in Kenya and Tanzania like to greet strangers by either spitting directly on them or into their own palms before extending theirs. And who can top Tibet’s 9th century tradition of sticking out their tongues to new acquaintances? It started during the vicious reign of the Tibetan king, Lang Darma who was afflicted with a highly contagious case of Black Tongue disease. I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds pretty serious. Sticking your tongue out at new acquaintances was a safe way to assure them that you didn’t have it. Unless, of course, you had just been eating licorice.
People from around the world have always used creative greetings. And depending on the circumstances, you could either make a good impression or instantly bring life long shame and dishonor to your family, simply by how you said hello to a stranger. Imagine the consequences of a clueless German soldier sucker punching Hitler on the arm, spitting on him, high-fiving or giving him a wedgie. Or, some hapless Ugandan Jiveshaking Idi Amin. Perhaps an Italian private sticking his tongue out at Benito Mussolini. Conversely, I doubt my supervisor would appreciate my thrusting an arm out at him and shouting, “Sieg Heil” while clicking together the heels of my jackboots.
In the end, as long as you’re staying inside the United States it doesn’t really matter how you greet others. Most of our gestures have eroded to grunts, nods or if you’re lucky, a text message or a Tweet. Occasionally, a well-meaning co-worker will try to muster up enough energy to squeeze out a “Hello,” “Hi,” “Howdy,” “G’day,” “How’s it hangin’,” “Wazzup,” or even a “Yo.” If you’re lucky, you might even get a nod or a wink. And, if you’re a virile young mail clerk or a hot looking chick, you might warrant a slap on the ass.
Written for and excerpted from Armchair Reader The Gigantic Reader – West Side Publishing (September 7, 2009)
