I’m the kind of person who can go their entire life without telling someone what to do. Call me lazy, but I think anyone over the age of 12 should have enough sense to do the right thing—like moving their shopping cart to the side of the aisle when they run over to grab the pickles they forgot.
Apparently though, I stand alone on this subject, so I’m going to take this opportunity to expound on the way supermarkets should be run—through a four-point plan for supermarket and shopper regulation.
Point one would require all shoppers to be at least 21 years of age to operate a shopping cart. In certain states, (California, 
Kentucky, Illinois and Hawaii) learner’s permits can be issued at 15. The permit holder would be limited to operating a shopping cart during daylight hours with a licensed adult over 21 strapped into the passenger’s seat.
All applicants would be required to pass a 300-question written examination addressing the rules for safe shopping cart operation. Some sample test questions might include the following:
1) When approaching an unattended cart in the center of an aisle, you should do which of the following?
a) Wait patiently until the shopper returns and moves their cart
b) Push the cart into the parking lot without telling the owner
c) Ram the cart out of the way
d) Any of the above
2) After arriving at the check stand, you observe that the shopper in front of you failed to push their cart through the line. Therefore, you should do which of the following:
a) Repeatedly bump them from behind to call attention to their oversight
b) Lift their cart up onto the conveyor belt and let the checker deal with it
c) Scoop armloads of candy and Hollywood tabloids onto the end of their order
d) Ask them if this was an oversight, or has there been a city-wide ban on good manners
3) You come to the intersection of the dairy case and a Doritos display. There are two elderly women chatting, preventing you from making a safe left-hand turn. What should you do?
a) Make a U-turn and go down another aisle to avoid being detained
b) Bulldoze them out of the way and apologize after you’re clear
c) Warn them the Polident is almost sold out
d) Tell them that their shuttle-bus to the retirement home has just left
After successfully completing the written examination, the licensee-in-training would then be eligible to take the driving test. Applicants would have to demonstrate proficiency in extricating a cart from the phalanx at the front of the store using one hand while carrying a baby. They would be required to demonstrate defensive driving skills while maneuvering through a minefield of M&Ms scattered on the floor. Deductions would be made for sideswiping other carts or driving down the wrong side of the aisle.
The final part of the practical test would require a demonstration of safe cart handling under extreme conditions. The applicant should be able to demonstrate that they can keep their shopping cart on a straight trajectory, while their kids pull cookies, candy and Yoo-Hoos off of the shelves or two grown men fight over the last remaining roll of toilet paper.
Point Two would address proper shopping cart maintenance and equipment regulations. Prospective licensees would be required to identify the major components of a cart, change a flat tire and repair a jiggling front wheel, while keeping a safe distance from on-coming traffic. The new regulations would also gradually phase-out shopping carts as supermarket property.
By the year 2025, all shoppers would be required to purchase their own carts and transport them to the market on automobile roof racks. Personal carts would have to comply with state regulations for height, weight, width, turning radius, road clearance and maximum hauling capacity. Optional equipment such as off road suspension, 4-wheel drive (including manually locking front hubs), roll bars, air shock lift kits, custom bed liners, ABS braking systems, running boards, halogen fog lamps, and tires wider that 24 inches would have to be approved by the state’s Department of Motor Vehicles prior to being allowed to enter the store.
Shopping cart insurance would be sold as additional riders onto standard automobile insurance policies to cover damage that occurred inside the supermarkets. Premiums would be based on age, sex, history of moving violations, geographical location of supermarket and model and year of shopping cart. Naturally, more expensive premiums would be assessed to high performance sport-utility carts (SUCs) and carts without theft deterrent alarms.
Point Three would address moving violations, definitions for infractions and penalties. Although regulated by the state, each 
supermarket would employ their own traffic enforcement officials. Affectionately known as “Melon Heads,” they would routinely patrol the aisles, concentrating on particularly high-risk areas. Melon Heads would issue citations for infractions like shopping in the wrong direction, holding the freezer door open for more than 10 seconds, illegal aisle changes and shopping while under the influence of children. The following is a list of common infractions followed by their accompanying penalties:
Infraction # 5001, Open ice cream container in cart
- Penalty: Offender must attend 28-day substance abuse program and pay $10,000
Infraction # 2113, Illegal aisle change
- Penalty: Offender must leave cart outside and use hand basket for 10 days
Infraction # 1717, Excessive speed
- Penalty: Offender must shop with their shoelaces tied together for 6 months
Infraction # 7856, Grand theft cart
- Penalty: Offender is admonished to shop at 7-Elevens and Loaf & Jug stores for no less than 12 months
Infraction # 3117, Shopping too slowly
- Penalty: Offender is only allowed to enter store during the last 10 minutes before closing
Depending on the severity of the infraction, the typical penalties for first-timers would range from shopping while handcuffed to a court-appointed officer, to attending mandatory Safe Shoppers School. However, repeat offenders would be dealt the heavy hand of the law. Adhering to the “Three strikes and you’re out” policy, those found to be habitual violators would be sentenced to serve 12 months as 99¢ Store greeters.
Point Four would govern the construction and operation of the supermarket facilities. All supermarket designs would be certified by the Department of Homeland Security to include the following criteria:
- Each market must have a maximum of 3 unlabeled entrances and exits. Only one has to function properly at a time.
- Each aisle can be no more than 1.5 times the width of a regulation shopping cart. This does not include promotional displays that project out from the shelves and catch on clothing
- The temperature of the ice cream cabinets should be no less than 5 degrees cooler than the temperature outside the store.
- The misters in the produce section must be equipped with motion detectors, set to effuse a fine spray on shoppers whenever they reach for items at the back of the produce table.
- Supermarkets must use special, pressure-sensitive floor plates to monitor the length of checkout lines. Whenever the line exceeds 3 customers, 2 checkers at alternative stations would be required to cash out and take their lunch without being replaced.
In addition to the previously mentioned regulations, shoppers would no longer be free to wander from aisle to aisle in a haphazard fashion. All shoppers would be required to enter the supermarket through the right-hand entrance. Green lights would allow one shopper in at a time, based on the number of shoppers exiting the store.
Once inside, the shoppers would be required to push their carts in a counter-clockwise direction around the perimeter of the store. If they need to turn down one of the center aisles, they would do so using their left-hand turn indicators or hand signs. If the shopper forgets an item, they would be required to make a complete circuit around the store until they were in position to make a legal, left-hand turn again.
I’m not really sure what I can do single-handedly to improve the quality of our shopping experience. At the very least, I’m going to fold up this article and jam it into the store’s suggestion box. Maybe they’ll get the message.
An excerpt from “Watching Grandma Circle the Drain.”
