For the past year and a half, I’ve woken up to a familiar greeting from my digital alarm clock. 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00. Ever since the power went out, my alarm clock has been winking at me, hoping that one day, I’ll learn how to set its time. Fat chance. I don’t have a clue how to follow instructions.
It’s not that I haven’t tried. One evening last week, I dragged out the user manual to try to figure out how to change the time from 12:00 midnight to the correct time of the day – which, as luck would have it was 12:00 midnight. Like most user manuals, the 64 page instruction guide is broken down into language sections for French, Spanish, Yiddish, Lithuanian, Tagalog, Japanese, Chinese, German, Icelandic, Norwegian, Danish and Bulgarian. Flip it over and you’ll find Dutch, Arabic, Portuguese, Farsi, Vietnamese, Turkish, Korean, Italian, Thai, Cantonese, Polish, Burmese and even a section devoted to Pig Latin. Thankfully, the last page was written in English.
Due to the litigious nature of our society, I find consumer instructions and warnings on everything I use. But the way the instructions are written, they’re almost impossible to interpret. Instead of clear sentences that tell you how to use a product, you’ll find a series of pictures (with no words) and an 800 telephone number to somewhere halfway around the world. There’s a diagram with one end of a cord going from the S-video output on the DVD player to the input on the microwave oven, followed by three color-coded RCA plugs pointing to the red, yellow and white audio inputs on the toaster. Somewhere in the instructions, you’ll find the obligatory illustration of a human finger poking an electrical outlet with a large, red international circle with a line through it, suggesting that you shouldn’t test the electricity with your index finger. With that, the manufacturer is off the hook.
While brushing my teeth the next morning, I noticed for the first time that there were explicit directions on the side of the toothpaste tube on how to safely brush my teeth, with a list of all its side effects. I’ve been brushing my teeth all my life and never once felt compelled to stop and read the directions – but they’re there, so I guess I should start reading them.
The next day, I started to wonder about all of the other directions I’ve glossed over all these years. Here’s just a few:
Mitchum Antiperspirant: Remove the cap from the top of the product and twist the knob at the bottom of the container, counter clockwise until the product begins to ooze from the small pores at the top of the dispenser. While holding the dispenser in your right hand, lift your left elbow away from your body until your upper arm is parallel to the floor. Point the tip of the dispenser toward your underarm at a 45-degree angle where your upper arm and torso meet (armpit). Press the dispenser lightly against your skin while dragging the applicator down, applying a thin film of product to your skin. Repeat under the other arm. Vigorously flap your upper arms up and down to dry the product before donning your shirt or blouse. Warning: discontinue use if you develop blue vision, oily stools, bleeding nipples, black tongue disease, amnesia, tricholtillomania or rectal bleeding.
Scope Mouthwash: Grasp the middle of the bottle firmly with your right hand, while squeezing and turning the bottle top counter clockwise. Pour 2-3 ounces of mouthwash into a small glass and secure the cap back onto the bottle. Open your mouth approximately halfway and pour the mouthwash into your mouth. Close your lips, making a tight seal and gently inflate your cheeks to approximately 20 pounds per square inch (PSI). Quickly reverse the pressure to approximately -10 PSI. Repeat the process 5 to 6 times. Bend forward at your waist positioning your head directly over your bathroom sink. Open your mouth and expel the mouthwash into sink. Return to a normal standing position. Warning: Do not use as radiator anti-freeze or to irrigate your eyes. Keep product out of reach of teen-age boys younger than drinking age. Discontinue use if you begin to experience hallucinations, severe acne, uncontrolled flatulence, limb spasticity, Grocer’s Itch or prolonged hiccups.
Kleenex Tissue: Using the tips of your thumb and index finger, gently pull one tissue from the top of the container. After folding the tissue in half, cradle it between the tips of your fingers inside the palm of your hand. Inhale deeply through the nose and hold. Bring the tissue towards the outside of the nostrils of your nose and gently pinch your fingers against the outside surface of your nose. After closing your mouth and epiglottis, rapidly exhale the inner contents of your nose into the tissue at a pressure not to exceed 35 PSI. Repeat several times, taking care to suppress any audible noises. While pinching the sides of your nostrils with the tissue, gently pull away from your nostrils. Warning: Exceeding 75 PSI may result in spontaneous pneumothorax of the vestibular canals (blowing out your eardrums). Do not attempt procedure while driving, text messaging, eating hot soup or meeting your in-laws for the first time. Discontinue and seek medical attention if you notice brain matter on the tissue, contract Elephantitis, Werewolf Syndrome, Pica, Blaschko’s Lines or Jumping Frenchman Disorder.
Angel Soft Toilet Paper: Locate the last square of paper at end of the toilet paper roll; depending on type of dispenser installation, the last sheet may be either on the top or underneath the roll. Firmly grasp the end of the roll with the tip of your index finger and thumb. Using either an underhand or overhand technique is acceptable. Gently pull the paper away from the roll until four or five squares have cleared the roll. Quickly snap the end of the paper to tear it from the remainder of the roll while supporting the roll with your other hand. Fold the length of the toilet paper over itself to create a pad over the tips of your fingers, anchoring the paper between your fingers. Using a free hand, pull one gluteal cheek away from the center line of your body, creating a wide crevice. Beginning midway down the crevice, gently swab the pad of toilet paper across your rectum using moderate pressure of approximately 20 Pascal (where 1 atm = 1.013 x 105 Pa = 101.3 kPa). Deposit the used paper in the toilet bowl. Repeat several times until the area is clean. Warning: Do not loan used toilet paper to others or store in pocket or purse. Do not attempt the procedure with a wire brush, emery cloth, sandpaper, notebook paper or the front page of the New York Times.
Wyeth Preparation H: Remove trousers, dress or underwear. From a standing position, gently bend your knees to a squatting position. Open the product tube and squeeze a one-inch line of product onto the tip of your middle finger. Using your other hand, gently pull one gluteal cheek to the side. Gently slide the finger with the product over, around and into the rectum, distributing the product in a clockwise direction. Replace the cap on the product tube and return to medicine cabinet. Warning: To avoid accidentally exchanging products, do not store in close proximity to tooth paste, Ben-Gay, Pep Boys Quick Lube, Leonard’s Radiator Repair Paste, Fiesta’s Hot Sauce, silicone tub and shower caulking or Crazy Glue.
Meanwhile, my alarm clock is still flashing 12:00 12:00 12:00 and I can’t get back to sleep. In the morning, I’m going to take it back to the store – and trade it in for one with the correct time.
