Thinking back to my childhood, my mother had the process of multi-tasking errands down cold. She’d pop a load of dirty laundry into the washer, drive to the market, pick up the dry cleaning, pay my older brother’s parking tickets, and stop by the bank just in time to get home and move the clean wash into the dryer. Then, she’d make dinner for a family of four. How on earth did she do it? How can I apply my mother’s errand skills to my own life? It’s simple.
I just need to get organized.
The first thing I did was create an Excel spreadsheet with two columns: in column A, I listed all the nasty things that I need to get done—the things that I put off for as long as I can. In column B, I listed all the activities I enjoy. The things I actually look forward to doing. Then, I added them together and came up with a revised list of things I need to do:
Combining Errands, Tasksand Activities to Get DoneChoose one from each column |
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Column A – errands I despise |
Column B – activities I enjoy |
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Having a root canal at Bada Bing! Family Dentistry
One of the worst parts of getting a root canal is suffering the anticipation of the pain. Then, there’s the Novocain injections, followed by hours of watching the bland ceiling of the dentist’s office as he pokes, prods and bludgeons your mouth. Wouldn’t it be great if you had something to take your mind off of all the misery? There is. Next time, try Bada Bing! Family Dentistry.
After several shots of Jose Cuervo Gold, a friendly, half-naked adult entertainer will escort you ringside to three topless dancers slithering up and down firemen’s poles. After she seats you in the dentist’s chair (which is conveniently slanted forward at a 30° angle so you don’t miss any of the action), she attaches the compulsory neck bib and serves you a line of cocaine. After waiting 15 minutes for the drugs and alcohol to take effect, the dentist goes to work.
By combining drugs, alcohol and live, nude entertainers, your root canal will be over before you know it!
Getting a colonoscopy while having a massage
The most embarrassing part of getting a colonoscopy is stripping down to your birthday suit, followed by a complete stranger exploring the most intimate parts of your backside. Yet, when you get a massage, you can’t peel off your clothes fast enough. So, why not combine the two?
While there’s usually only one way to have your pooper poked, there are a number of types of massages you can choose from: Swedish, aromatherapy, hot stone, deep tissue, shiatsu, Thai, reflexology, trigger point and sports massages. If you’d like to enjoy “a little something extra” at the end of the massage, you might want to try Tantric massage.
In any case, both begin with getting naked and laying face-down on a table. Next time live a little. Try combining your next rectal probe with the warmth and joy of a sexy, licensed masseuse.
Having your blood drawn while dining at a fine restaurant
One of the hardest things to do is fasting before having your blood drawn. After 12 hours of not eating, it’s common for people to pass out from low blood sugar before they get home. That’s why it makes so much sense to have a meal at a restaurant after you have your blood drawn.
Picture an intimate evening while sitting at a candle-lit table. First the sommelier stops by to go over the wine selection. Then the waiter explains the specials and takes your order. Then, while you’re trying to fill the awkward silence until your meal arrives, the phlebotomist stops by your table.
“Good evening. My name is Francoise and I’ll be your phlebotomist this evening. We have a very nice selection of tests we’ll be running tonight, including a complete blood count, electrolyte panel, followed by troponin and creatine kinase. And, tonight only, we’ll also be testing your blood for total cholesterol, HDL, LDL and triglycerides. Can I bring you anything else before I put a tourniquet on your arm and suck a liter of blood out of your arm?” What could be more romantic?
Karaoke singing while standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles
The worst part of going to the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) is wasting the entire day while waiting in line. You can’t relax because you’re
standing. You can’t sleep, read a book or engage in any meaningful conversations with anyone. But, what you can do is sing!
The best way to reclaim your wasted time standing in line is by handing you a microphone. Mounted on the ceiling, DMV offices provide monitors with the lyrics to popular songs rolling down as you inch your way forward to the front of the line. You’ll thrill to listening to perfect strangers belt out “Achy Breaky Heart,” “I’ve Got You Babe,” and “My Heart Will Go On.” And, for a small additional fee, they’ll even tape your performance so others can swoon over you at home.
Doing laundry at Studio 54 Disco and Laundromat
Next to spending the afternoon binging on reruns of “Welcome Back Kotter,” doing your laundry is the biggest way to waste time. There’s nothing you can do. You watch your clothes go round and round and round in the washer, then repeat the process for the dryer. But, what if you could spend the afternoon partying with celebrities, millionaires, and the Kardashians?
Welcome to Studio 54 Disco and Laundromat! As you pull up to the front door, the staff will help you out of your limousine, whisking you past the paparazzi so no one sees you wearing your old sweatpants. One of the friendly concierges will be steps behind, toting your laundry basket, box of Tide pods and Bounce dryer sheets.
While they’re starting a load cycle for you, the owners will escort you to your reserved table, next to the dance floor where you can mingle with D-list celebrities like Carrot Top, Lindsay Lohan, and Scott Baio. After a few rounds of the Bump, Hustle and Funky Chicken, a friendly member of the staff will fluff and fold your clean laundry for you, where it will be waiting for you at the cloak room. At Studio 54 Disco and Laundromat, everything is inclusive: drinks, detergent, washing and drying cycles.
Having your annual review while getting snockered at Hooters
Everyone hates annual reviews. The time when you sit down with the boss you hate while he systematically dissects your work over the past year. 
Annual reviews are always painful. But, they don’t have to be, given the right setting.
This year, Hooters is reserving space at each of their restaurants for conducting annual reviews for local businesses. Start your review off right with three shots of Cuervo Gold, followed by Hooters’ world-famous draft beer by the pitcher. Stunning, voluptuous waitresses will be there at your beck and call as your boss starts laying into you for buggering the Ehrenburg account. After a few more shots to take the edge off, your boss will start to show the first signs of getting sloppy drunk and admit to you that your work really wasn’t that bad, after all. That’s the time to get him to sign your review.
While he stumbles over to the restroom, grab your signed review before it gets covered in Buffalo Wing sauce and beat feet for your office. Turn in your signed annual review to the HR department before your boss figures out what happened.
Gambling in Las Vegas while applying for a home loan
Applying for mortgages is always tough. It can be a demeaning process where the bank’s CEO, CFO, branch manager, all the tellers and janitorial staff examine your assets and liabilities under a microscope. There are, thankfully, more entertaining approaches to borrowing money. How about a trip to Las Vegas?
A day trip to Las Vegas can help take the edge off tedious bank loan negotiations. Start by visiting the craps tables at the Bellagio. Ply the banker with drinks and ask him if he’d be willing to front you a “small loan for my down payment.” Then, take your chances. Parlay your winnings, and head over to the MGM Grand slot machines where, given any luck you can win back what you lost at the Flamingo. Ask him if he’ll agree to a “slightly larger” loan for a bigger house, requiring less collateral. Finally, catch a limousine over to Bally’s and let the whole thing ride on a round of roulette. If you have anything left, catch the red-eye home before your wife leaves for work. Hopefully, you’ll have good news.
Going for a 4-mile run while playing a round of golf
George Bernard Shaw once said, “Golf is a poor excuse for interrupting a good walk.” And, he was right. Why waste hours slowly rambling through 18 holes of golf when you can enjoy the cardiovascular benefits of a great run? The first thing you’ll need is the proper attire and equipment.
Instead of foo-fooing up in gabardine slacks, sport shirt and Brooks Brother’s Stetson golf hat, you’ll need to strip down to the basics: a simple Pebble Beach tank top, Nike shorts and a stout pair of New Balance running shoes—with cleats. You’ll also need to rent a low-weight, titanium push-cart. Remember, weight is everything when running 18 holes.
Of course, the most difficult part will be rounding up 3 more overweight friends who are willing to forgo riding in a motorized golf cart with running the course. Check with your local golf pro for a list of members who are as crazy as you are. Then, there are the rules. Rules, you’re probably not familiar with.
Unlike traditional golf games that take hours to complete, time is everything in playing a round of running golf. Winners are evaluated not only on the lowest number of strokes, but also the fastest times. The world record for a round of running golf is held by Algerian runner Noureddine Morceli who finished 7 under par in slightly under 35 minutes. The runner up was New Jersey golfer, Abe Mendenhall who spread out his play across an entire morning, a nap and the better part of the afternoon.
Having your eyes examined while commuting in bumper-to-bumper traffic
The worst part of getting your eyes examined is having to take valuable time away from the office to determine whether or not you’re going blind. The optometrist begins by dribbling dilation drops into your eyes, then asks you to read the ingredients on the back of his lunch bag. Then, he has you read an eye chart from across the room while peering through a periscope with one eye covered. There has to be a better way. Fortunately, there is.
The best way to measure a person’s visual acuity is to test them in real-life surroundings—like bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Santa Monica Freeway. Savvy optometrists pick you up from your office during lunch hour to test your vision in traffic. “Do you see that blue Camaro six cars ahead of us? Good. What’s the license plate number of the Jeep Cherokee being written up by the police on the right shoulder? Now, see if you can read the VIN number on the beige Hyundai on your right. Good. You can put your contact lenses back in. I’ll return you to your office.”
Getting a vasectomy while on a blind date
One of the most challenging parts of a blind date is deciding what to do. Dinner, a movie, or Broadway show? What is guaranteed to thrill her while 
getting to know the “real you?” It’s simple. Ask her to tag along while you get a vasectomy.
You’ll have a great opportunity to convince her that you possess integrity, maturity, self-confidence and a positive attitude while laying half-naked in a doctor’s office. You’ll let her know that you’re in for a long-lasting relationship and not just interested in getting lucky.
The beauty of having your blind date caress your scrotum while the urologist performs his “snip, snip” of your vas deferens, is taking the time to get to know you intimately while you’re cruising on Fentanyl. You’ll be sending her the message, “I’m in no hurry to get to first base,” when in fact, you’ll be too sore to slide into home for another six weeks. And, even when you do, you’ll be shooting blanks.
Coming up with new combinations of activities and tasks has never been easier. You can even make a game of it. The next time you have people over for dinner, put all of your dreadful tasks in one hat. Put all of your favorite activities in another. Then, ask your guests to draw one from each hat. Bingo! There’s your “things to do list” for the upcoming week.
