It’s late summer and before you know it, our national forests will once again be teeming with overweight, beer-guzzling, middle-aged men bonding with their offspring, engaged in an annual wilderness right of passage: deer and elk hunting season.
Across the United States, there have always been three traditional hunting seasons: muzzleloader and archery followed by high-power rifle season. Short of running and hiding, deer and elk have stood defenseless against this barrage of artillery. Until now.
There’s a new sheriff in town
Forced to live off the land using just their instincts and lightning-fast reactions, wildlife is helpless against man-made weapons of mass destruction like high-powered bows and rifles. So, to correct the problem, the US Fish and Wildlife Service and the Department of Agriculture have agreed to replace the three traditional hunting seasons with fairer, more humane seasons meant to “level the playing field” for deer and elk. They are wrestling season, primitive weapons season followed by knife fighting season.
Wrestling meets the wilderness
Wrestling season is designed to balance the contest between hunters and the hunted. Playing by the new rules, deer and elk stand to win at least an occasional contest against man. Hunters will have to stalk and bring down their prey through a number of legal take down moves like the Antler Smash, Flying Arm Scissor, Jawbreaker, Hoof Drop, Reverse Neck Snap, Argentine Pile Driver, Body Slam, Full Nelson, and Leg Scissor Take Down.
Hunters participating in wrestling season will be required to wear competitive wrestling shorts, jockstraps, wrestling shoes, knee pads, and headgear.
While it’s true that few deer and elk are as yet schooled against these maneuvers, they can still flee into the brush until they’ve had time to take extension classes from neighboring community colleges. Gone are the days of traditional hunting uniform requirements like camouflage pants and bright orange vests. Hunters participating in wrestling season will be required to wear competitive wrestling shorts, jockstraps, wrestling shoes, knee pads, and headgear.
Wrestling season will also create an entirely new cottage industry for hunters. Wilderness wrestling schools will start popping up all over the country, replacing obsolete gun shops and rifle ranges. Instead of relying on the cowardly skill of a clean shot from seventy-five yards, hunters will need to learn the importance of sneaking up on their prey and pinning them to the ground using a full nelson. Of course, with the new regulations will come the necessity for rule enforcement. Wilderness Umpires, employees of the USDA Forest Service, will prowl the outback, recording mat pins and resolving disputes between the hunter and the hunted.
If basic wilderness wrestling season catches on, you may even see other styles proliferate, such as Greco-Wilderness Deer Wrestling, Wilderness Judo Deer Wrestling, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Deer Wrestling, and of course, Wilderness Sumo Deer Wrestling.
Grab your primitive weapon — hunting season is here
During primitive weapons season, hunters will be restricted to using weapons whose origin was prior to the 17th century. These include spears, blowguns, rocks, sticks, morning stars, nail bats, punji sticks, torches, bolas, chakras, atlatls, meteor hammers, quarterstaffs, ballistas, and slingshots. If the hunters so desire, they can also build elaborate forts, surrounded by moats, and use catapults to subdue their prey with large boulders.
Primitive weapons season is aimed at bringing back the festive mood of the Middle Ages when warriors sought deer and elk for food instead of useless trophies. And just to maintain the authentic flavor of the season, hunters will be required to wear full suits of armor, helmets with face guards, breastplates, knight gauntlets, and chain mail undergarments. Horses and ATVs are not allowed during primitive weapons season; all hunting is to be conducted exclusively on foot.
Everyone loves a good knife fight
What juvenile delinquent doesn’t enjoy a good knife fight? So, to help bring the hunting experience to the masses, this year the Department of Wildlife has added the excitement of knife fighting to deer and elk hunting season.
During knife fighting season, hunters will be required to stalk their prey on foot, goading them into confrontations using a series of taunts and insults. Tactics include making defamatory remarks about the deer’s mother, their ethnic heritage, or who their sister has been sleeping with.
Any weapon with a sharp blade is allowed. This includes axes, box cutters, daggers, rondels, long swords, pizza cutters, machetes, and Schick disposable razors. Knife fights may be conducted one-on-one or in gangs of hunters against bucks. A minimum of three participants on each side is required for a legal gang knife fight.
Tactics include making defamatory remarks about the deer’s mother, their ethnic heritage, or who their sister has been sleeping with.
As a true aficionado of the wilderness experience, I think it’s wonderful to know that this year man and wildlife will finally be on equal footing, just as they were so many years ago. So grab your spears and nunchucks, everyone.
Hunting season is just around the corner!
