Los Angeles, California – American authorities announced yesterday that they had successfully thwarted an attempt by terrorists to detonate a sticky bomb made from a 1-liter bottle of Diet Coke and Mentos candy mints, preventing what could have been the messiest attack on U.S. air carriers in aviation history.
The Transportation Security Administration first became aware of the threat after observing a number of men of Middle Eastern descent carrying cases of the popular drink onto six different planes. “At first, we were focused on what was in their carry-on luggage,” said Henry Wilkinson, TSA’s Chief of Domestic Terrorism. “We were looking for mainstream explosives like jelled nitroparafin, metal perchlorate and nitroglycerin. It never even dawned on us to look for soda.” Security officials at Los Angeles International Airport let the men breeze right through the screening stations, completely unaware of the threat they represented.
The bombs were made from a number of very simple, yet deadly components. The men, all in their early twenties and members of the radical “al-Quesadilla” extremist group, first became aware of the soda’s volatile nature after visiting the “Professor Brainius Wild and Wacky Science for Kids” website, where it explained in detail how to explode liters of Diet Coke by dropping packages of Mentos candy mints into them. “The Diet Coke idea was brilliant,” said Wilkinson. “They knew that they could easily smuggle the Mentos on board by stringing them together and wearing them around their necks as Afghan fertility beads,” said Wilkinson. “Then, they stuffed 12, one liter bottles of Diet Coke into the inside pockets of their wool trench coats.” The fact that it was mid-August and over 100 degrees outside, failed to generate any interest from the TSA agents or passengers – even during a pat down. Once on-board, assembling the bombs was easy.
President Obama was on vacation at Camp David when Department of Homeland Security Secretary, Janet Napolitano informed him of the threat. The President then called Prime Minister David Cameron, who was on vacation in the Caribbean, who in turn called Russian President Dmitry Medvedev who ironically, was also on vacation. This continued for several hours until Prince Albert of Monaco was finally reached, who called Werner Beltram, Assistant Under-Secretary of Parks and Recreation for Lichtenstein: apparently the only government official from a major country who was actually in his office working.
The terrorists were all of Pakistani origin, living in the United States using work visas issued by Piggy Wiggly Markets, Inc. This gave them unfettered access to the soda and mints. When questioned about how they learned to make such lethal, dangerous bombs, Al-man Rajeem Nadwaz Korumi Ami Haabat, the leader of the group said, “We spent years learning how to handle volatile high explosives in Libyan, Pakistani and Syrian training camps. For the Mentos bombs, we just looked on the back of the bottles.”
As a result of the scare, all incoming and outgoing flights were cancelled throughout the United States, with the exception of the Sitka, Tweed-Newhaven, Magic Valley, Kalamazoo/Battlecreek, Sloulin Field and Pago Pago airports. Foot traffic came to a screeching halt at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Orlando, Florida where members of the public were forced to succumb to random strip searches. Even the space shuttle Endeavor was instructed to abort its landing at Kennedy Space Center and return to Mars. “We’ve put the country on ‘Condition Red’,” said Napolitano. “As a result of the events that transpired in Los Angeles, we’re removing all soda and candy machines from airports, train stations and bus depots across the U.S.. You just can’t be too careful.”
White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, announced in this morning’s press briefing, “Let me assure you, it is perfectly safe to travel in America – just not in aircraft, trains, motorcycles, cruise ships, aircraft carriers, zeppelins, wheelbarrows, hot-air balloons, lunar rovers, rickshaws, aerial tramways, funiculars, horse drawn chariots, heavy cruisers, outrigger canoes, conveyor belts, escalators, battleships, Amish buggies, Naval destroyers, 8-man skulls, inner tubes, shopping carts, bicycles, pogo sticks or civilian motor vehicles. Unicycles are fine.”
President Obama called the thwarted plot, “…a stark reminder of the lengths that extremists will go to try to disrupt the lives of innocent citizens.” TSA Director, Kip Hawley, pledged to get things moving again as quickly as possible. “During the past 10 years, we have asked the public to help us with the screening process by leaving all Bowie knives, spears, switchblades, hunting rifles, Claymore mines, swords, patriot missiles, shotguns, crossbows, slingshots, taser guns, scissors, nunchuks, nail files, ballpoint pens, bullwhips, surgical scalpels, C4 explosives, cell phones, iPods, blasting caps, wireless detonating devices and dynamite at home.”
“This morning,” said Hawley, “I’m going ask everyone to go just one step further and wear hospital gowns when they fly. Leave all of your luggage at home – both checked and carry-on. This will make it much easier during the check-in process.”
By Tuesday, travelers at our nation’s airports began to see things return to normal. The check-in lines were back to their usual three-hour wait and people were happily arguing with TSA agents again. “I feel perfectly safe flying,” said Kyoshi Katate, 24, who was on her way back to Cosmetology school in Japan. “It’s been a little strange learning to fly without any luggage or underwear, but I’m starting to get used to it.”
