I wasn’t born to be a sperm donor. Nor was it my lifelong dream to be a grave digger, dog food tester or phone sex worker – but I’ve done all four. And worse.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had trouble settling on a career. Unlike most of my high school classmates who instantly knew they wanted to be politicians, lawyers or proctologists (which I conveniently lump into the same category), my lot in life has been a never ending search for the meaning of life – and where to clock out at the end of the day. Bouncing from one hollow, low-paying experience to another, my job search has taken me to the far corners of the world looking for anything that held the lure of a good income, an opportunity to make significant contributions to humanity, something gratifying and maybe have a little fun.
The first person to identify the secret to happiness in the workplace was the legendary 16th century career counselor, Giustiniano Colafranceso. He proposed the Lavoro Schifoso Triangle – with earning capacity, job description and geographical location making up the Three Legs of Success. True to his theory, a recent Manpower study reported that the happiest people in the world are male prostitutes, Bingo announcers and crop dusters. Colafranceso went on to claim that you can still be reasonably content by satisfying only one or two – provided they outweigh the drawbacks of the others. It’s easy to see how the equation works: I was ecstatic working as a hydro colonic therapist making $25,000 a year in Lake Geneva, Switzerland. Certainly happier than I was smelling eggs at Pelican Bay or writing predictions for fortune cookies. I was absolutely miserable as a crematory operator for Walmart, but not as much as a canine masseur.
So, I asked myself, “Why has been finding a rewarding career always been so difficult?” It could have something to do with the Iacobelli Theorem, which states “For every job, there is an inverse relationship between its potential earnings and the happiness it brings.” Sure enough, every time I’ve followed my parents’ advice and taken high paying jobs like venture capitalist, home loan originator or assistant district attorney, the day crawls by with quitting time forever looming somewhere over the horizon. On the other hand, time seems to fly when I’m measuring women’s breasts, repossessing corporate jets or tattooing Hells Angels.
Later, I discovered I didn’t have to ricochet from one loser job to another like a pistol shot into a rock quarry. There are a number of excellent aptitude tests that can make sense of my career decisions. Tests designed to help me understand what I’d be good at. On my therapist’s advice I took a 3-day battery of tests that measured my inductive reasoning, concept organization, structural visualization, numerical reasoning and foresight by assembling dozens of irregular shaped blocks and repeatedly dividing 1,655,783 by 456. At the end of the test, my career counselor eliminated thousands of dead end jobs and gave me the good news: “Congratulations. The tests indicate that you have everything it takes to be a successful state senator, pimp or lifeguard at a nude beach.” That was the best $1,000 I ever spent.
Another commonly used tool is the Myers Briggs Test for Personality Types. I’d taken it in my senior year of high school. They claim that before you can settle on the job of your dreams, you need to know what kind of person you are. I plowed through hundreds of questions like, “Which would you rather be: the President of the United States or a bone marrow donor? Which would you rather do: have a vasectomy or watch paint dry?” Somewhere in my responses, lied the clues to my perfect job.
According to Colafranceso, I needed to identify what type of work environments I enjoy most. “Do you like working with people?” If so, I might enjoy sparring with Mike Tyson, embalming murder victims or the exciting world of crash test dummies. On the other hand, “If you enjoy working by yourself,” perhaps a plumber on a submarine or fire watch lookout might be for you.”
There are lots of jobs that pay well and don’t require a college education. If I knew now, what I didn’t know then, I never would have spent four years and $100,000 getting a master’s degree from Phoenix University in 17th century Balkan romance languages. Instead, I might have gone straight into auctioneer’s school.
Many people ignore what they’ve learned through organized preparation and fall into the trap of following in their parent’s footsteps. For example, succumbing to the pressure of clinging onto the farm that’s been in the family for three generations. “Every man before you has been enormously successful. Don’t screw it up.” No pressure there. Others completely ignore their aptitudes and go into careers their uncles and grandfathers had. It might have led them down the road to domestic violence, debt and alcoholism, but what the heck. They always seemed to have nice speed boats.
For a while, I pondered the old standbys like aerospace engineer, dentist or bomb squad technician. While it’s true those careers will probably withstand the turbulence of an unstable economy, I could be missing out on a number of wonderful new opportunities that didn’t even exist 10 years ago – sleep therapy, golf ball diving or Feng Shui consulting.
With more and more successful people producing truckloads of disposable income, there’s a crying need for people like me to help them spend it. Thousands of customer service positions like phone sex trainers, laughter therapists or feline periodontists provide excellent salaries, benefits and the promise of getting in on the ground floor, while others waste their time slogging through dead-end jobs like teachers, IT directors and nurses.
In the end, there’s a chance that none of these approaches will be for me. Even after meticulously navigating through dozens of tests, screenings and bribing my interviewers, there’s a possibility that I still might not find my dream job. In that case, I could always do what Giustiniano Colafranceso did when he was first starting out: “Take the first thing that pops up in front of you and try not to piss anyone off.” In the meantime, wish me luck with my search! I’m going to need it.
