Folks, I’m very, very, very pleased to announce the grand opening of my Donald J. Trump Writers Workshop. Together, we will
determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. We will face challenges, we will confront hardships… wait a minute. That’s my inaugural speech, not my Writers Workshop introduction. Shit. Let me try it again.
Folks, I’m very, very, very pleased to announce the grand opening of my Donald J. Trump Writers Workshop. This is going to be huge. And, believe me, you’re gonna love it, people. You’re gonna love it.
Just like my sucessful popular Trump University, the Trump Writers Workshop will help graduates make a ton of money, while stepping over the strewn bodies of other writers. You’ll learn how to live just like me, in a big-ass house, cool looking cars and lots of chicks with big tits that you can grab wherever and whenever you want to, because you’ll be famous. Or how to grab men by the balls, if you’re a chick or tranny. Is that great, or what?
The home-residency program begins with me teaching you how I use social media. Well, I won’t be talking. But, the DVDs you’ll watch at home are pretty good, anyway. You’ll learn how to poke at people during all hours of the night, using 280 characters, pointless statements – especially when they’re not true.
Unlike other MFA programs (what in the hell does MFA stand for?), there’s only one tract toward the Master of Donald degree: fiction writing. We don’t offer girly-type poetry. It’s a waste of time, folks. It’s a total waste of time. Besides, the money is in fiction. I should know. My entire life has been fiction, lies and stuff I’ve made up. My staff and I write made-up stuff every day, and we’re loaded, you know?
We’ll talk about other cool stuff, too. Like, a series of exercises aimed at getting rid of the words you never need to use when you talk and write. For instance, why use big, 50-cent words like hypothesize, when you can just say guess? You know what I mean? We’ll teach you how to trim 2,000 unnecessary words from your vocabulary, leaving you with the 200 I use every day. Believe me, folks. You don’t need all those words. Trust me. Unless, of course, you’re talking about adverbs. You need to use a LOT of adverbs in your writing—words like hugely, very, seriously, and easily. Trust me. It works. It really works. Finally, I’ll teach you the art of repeating words and phrases. Remember, most people (especially those reporters, TV people and other types of trailer-trash) are really, really dumb, so you need to repeat yourself so they get the message. Believe me folks, it’s a lot easier for people to understand you when you say things over and over and over again. If it didn’t work, I wouldn’t use it so often in my White House briefings.
Next, I’ll teach you (well, not me, but some guy who talks just like me) how important it is to use body language when entering the room of a new editor or publisher. You’ll learn the Donald J. Trump walk: the way I sort of hunch over and shuffle my feet, like I’ve just eaten a huge burrito. All, while looking down at the floor, scowling.
I’ll teach you how to use my patented hand gestures for book signings, depositions and court appearances. Yes, they’re patented, folks. And if you try to use them without my permission I will sue your ass off with my team of very, very expensive lawyers. You’ll learn how to use my special arm gesture where I pinch my elbows into my waist, while pulling my hands out to the side; sort of like I’m stretching saltwater taffy, you know? I’ll also teach you how to circle your index finger, touching your thumb, and pointing up with the rest of your fingers, while you pump your arm up and down. That is what they call it, isn’t it? Your index finger? Whatever. Who cares?
The final section will go over the business of writing. Because, if you don’t get paid, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO LIVE 
FOR? You know what I mean, folks? You know what I mean? We’ll teach you my patented method (including threats, lies, empty promises and lawsuits) for getting others to do your work for you, then stiffing them before publication. It’s great, folks. It’s really, really great.
Now, I know a lot of you are saying to yourself, “Donald, this all sounds good. But, I don’t have the money. At least not until I stiff my ex-wife for her alimony payments. How on earth will I come up with $143,000 to attend your three-day writer’s workshop?” The answer is simple – we’ll get Mexico to pay for it. Even if you’re not Mexican. My team of good adequate financial aid representatives people will walk you through the process. And, since we don’t allow muslims, jungle bunnies, chinks, camel jockeys, spics, boongas, hillbillies, micks, dagos, canucks, or LGTP applicants, if you’re a white anglo-saxon Protestant, you should get right in. What do you think, people? Is that great or what?
I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. With the efforts of you, but especially me and my top advisors, WE’RE GOING TO MAKE WRITERS GREAT AGAIN! See you in class.
