During tough economic times, difficult problems require creative solutions. It’s important to honestly take stock of your current skills and decide what you have to offer society that’s easily convertible into a livable wage–even if it’s just sperm. That’s why I was so intrigued when I ran across an article in the Washington Post, with the following headlines:
“Fertility Clinics are Facing a ‘National Crisis’
Because of a Shortage of Sperm Donors”
While I’d like to admit that my heart went out to all of the unfortunate couples who couldn’t conceive children on their own, in truth, it was my interest in self-centered preservation that was piqued. I could literally be sitting on a goldmine of untapped resources. Well, maybe not sitting on it, but very close by.
Donating sperm sounded perfect for me. After all, the hours are flexible, it’s something that I already do well, one hand wouldn’t have to know what the other is doing and I wouldn’t be against putting in overtime – for the good of those poor unfortunate couples. As far as I could tell, the only drawback would be admitting to people that my life revolves entirely around masturbation. Nevertheless, I decided to look into it.
Instead of rushing right into this life-changing commitment (like I usually do), I decided to make a few calls to see what I’d be getting myself into. After all, my current job is boring but it does provide a company car, an expense account, mileage, a monthly uniform allowance, health care benefits and two weeks of vacation; things I’m sure aren’t included in being a freelance sperm donor.
The first step toward financial freedom as a sperm donor is to find a reputable sperm bank; sort of like finding the right talent agent. A good sperm bank will take care of everything: the donor screening, specimen collections as well as banking sperm for future distribution. While this isn’t quite as easy as opening a new saving account at Wells Fargo, with the resources on the Internet, it’s not that difficult, either.
Because I live in a remote area of Colorado, the closest sperm bank that I could find was CryoGam Colorado, LLC in Loveland. They had a very professional web page that provided straightforward information on the entire process.
To be eligible to be a sperm donor, men need to be between 18 and 35 years of age, in good physical health, free from all of the usual diseases (HIV, AIDS, STD’s, genital warts, herpes, Ebola, leprosy, typhus, cholera, tuberculosis, dysentery, Grocer’s Itch, scurvy and ringworm) and be able to provide a complete health history of their family, going back as far as the 14th century. Most sperm banks like you to be either a college graduate or attending college at the time of application; preferably a Doctorate program from one of the Ivy League schools. Since I have an MFA in Comparative Ceramics from the California College of Arts and Crafts, I felt that my educational credentials would be more than adequate.
After you’ve completed all of the paperwork and returned it in a plain, brown envelope, it’s time to come in and make your first preliminary “deposit.”
Before I was considered a card-carrying sperm donor, I’d be required to make a series of three “introductory offers” to test my sperm for viability, so it’s off to the Masturbatorium I go. Specifically, they’re looking for sperm count, motility (how fast my boys can swim), how well my sperm freeze, thaw and morphology, or general characteristics. I was informed that only 20-50% of all applicants get past the first audition: odds just a little better than landing a starring role on Broadway.
Assuming that I’d be asked back for a second audition, I’d need to volunteer a second and third sample; the operative word being “volunteer.” So, it’s off to the Masturbatorium again. Up to this point, I still wasn’t being paid for my service to the community. I was still trying out for the team. And making the team has its own set of responsibilities: I wouldn’t be allowed to make any “unauthorized withdrawals” for anyone, including myself, at least three to five days prior to each donation. Hmmm…
Next, came the physical examination. During this phase, I was poked and prodded for ABO-Rh blood typing, complete blood count (CBC), full chemistry panel, cystic fibrosis carrier screening, semen analysis, sickle cell carrier testing, Tay-Sachs carrier testing and a urinalysis. If I was lucky enough to make the cut, I’d be rewarded by more invasive tests for ALT, Chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, HIV and syphilis. Lucky me.
After successfully passing the physical examination and health history, I sat around and waited to see if I made the team. I imagined a scene you’d see on ESPN during the NFL draft picks – being surrounded on the couch with all of my relatives and closest friends, waiting for the telephone to ring informing me that I had been chosen in the first round by CryoGam for their starting lineup. I just got an envelope in the mail.
Once I agreed to sign the contract for “Wankers Anonymous,” I was required to adhere to a number of very specific guidelines and requests; after all this is a business. These include consenting that I have absolutely no legal responsibility to any child that is conceived from my sperm, I have no rights to the child and that I will remain anonymous – just about everything a player in the N.B.A. is looking for as he’s running around the country sowing his wild oats.
I found out later that I’d have to give CryoGam a commitment for six months to three years of service. I would be restricted to providing less than 10 children from my sperm, although there have been a number of cases contesting this. One donor was refuted to have provided sperm for more than 450 children. But, he was a professional with years of experience, claimed he needed the money to get his car out of the shop and didn’t care how painful it was to walk. Many states have strict laws governing consanguinity.
Finally, the matter of money. Although arrangements vary from one sperm bank to the next, I was told that I could count on earning around $50.00 per specimen, plus $5.00 for each vial that was taken from my specimen. Since most specimens yield 10-14 vials per specimen, I could make as much as $200.00 per specimen. Of course, this is before taxes, so right off the bat, CryoGam took the wind out of my sales and pointed me toward the proper IRS forms. As far as I can remember, this was the first time in my life I’d have to pay taxes for masturbating.
After I finished evaluating all of the requirements, I ultimately decided to pass on the opportunity. I like being able to take liberties with myself whenever I’m struck with the urge – and my girlfriend was getting jealous because the lab was getting all of the good samples.
